Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'C' is for cookie; that's good enough for me.

   Don't waste your time worrying about a piece of sh*t that's not worried about you.

   All I really want is someone to go out on an expensive date, but not order more that 5 items off the dollar menu. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

   Live everyday like it's your last because one day you'll be right!

   Grab somebody sexty, Text them hey, Send me everything tonight.

   If you consider yourself a percetage of the US, then you're really just worthless to it.

   Men wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

   Spring is finally here! Spring Cleaning or Spring Break partying.. the choice is pretty obvious. These shelves aren't going to dust themselves!

   Clearly, they've run out of reality show ideas, just like hollywood..really? The Three Stooges?

   Jehovah's Witnesses? Please, come on in. Yes, I would LOVE to listen, but first let's talk about MY religion. Let me get the blowtorch.

   Someone really, really needs to tell Gramma this planking thing was just a fad.

   I'm at the stage in my life where I answer the door for deliveries in boxers b/c nothing matters anymore.

   Well Skittles Stock just took a plunge, again!!

   George Zimmerman has become the new Waldo.

   My favorite post of yours is........ the one I hitch you to at night.

   I remember whe a bathroom mirror was for brushing your teeth and picking zits , now it's for "duck" shots !!! Technology is awesome !!!

   I Drink therefore I'm Hungover

   When I told her she had the "Body of a Lane Bryant model", I meant it in a good way!

   Is it a zit or is it a 3rd nipple growing on my face. This is one of those wait & see moments people.

   I'd imagine that hitting the showers had a whole new meaning for the Penn State football team.