Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   fruit of the day: kumquat.

   I'm about to make like the FCC and get the *bleep* outta here.

   tired of trying to be perfect, and has decided instead to try to just be herself, in hopes that one day, just maybe, that will be enough. Besides, everyone else is already taken.

   Relax. Let the world turn without your help. Don't try so hard to be in control of everything.

   Chris Schwarzenegger should be less concerned with the collapsed lung and more with the fact that his family has a replacement standing by.

   I like to meet the parents drunk so they don't get the wrong idea of what kind of guy I am.

   wish all my electronics came with as much memory as a girlfriend or wife.

   Having high standards increases your quality of life and decreases the bullsh*t in your life!

   Mann life would be so much easier if we just generated all of our food into farts and never had to poop..

   Hey what's your sign, "Pyrex", ...........I was a test tube baby.:)

   I like my men how I like my kit Kat - chunky

   'C' is for cookie; that's good enough for me.

   Don't waste your time worrying about a piece of sh*t that's not worried about you.

   All I really want is someone to go out on an expensive date, but not order more that 5 items off the dollar menu. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

   Live everyday like it's your last because one day you'll be right!

   Grab somebody sexty, Text them hey, Send me everything tonight.

   If you consider yourself a percetage of the US, then you're really just worthless to it.

   Men wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

   Spring is finally here! Spring Cleaning or Spring Break partying.. the choice is pretty obvious. These shelves aren't going to dust themselves!

   Clearly, they've run out of reality show ideas, just like hollywood..really? The Three Stooges?