Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever who the guy was that said the South will rise again had erectile dysfunction.

   If you call your son Kenneth then you have only yourself to blame if he still lives with you when he's 45

   T-rolls everywhere today. I am out of here.

   Has anybody ever enjoyed moving ever? I now hate our mattress.

   loves to be the first person to use a new bar of soap

   it's so hot, my ice coffee is sweating more than I am

   I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

   Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.

   always carrying brass knuckles, cause you never know.

   NOT being considered to be a judge on American Idol!

   Pass the parcel would work better if there is no prize that way one kid is disappointed but everyone else is happy

   Out there, happyness waits for everyone. In one direction or another. Some of us are just too ignorant to buy a compass.

   I should have taken the red pill. Damn.

   I told you officer, I cut the a** out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes. No, I don't know who crapped on your car.

   hiding from trolls, you never saw me....

   Dont overstay in bed unless you re making money in it

   sitting on the poarch squirting squirrels with a 70 foot squirt gun! Take that you ratts!!!

   Have you ever dreamed you were peeing and thought to yourself in the dream, "Why is this taking so long to stop peeing?" Only to wake up and find your bed sop'n wet?...Me either

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

   to let a fool kiss you is stupid, to let a kiss fool you is worse