Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me. 
Automatic flushing toilets are the premature ejaculators of bathroom fixtures.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
DO you know why I make noise?! Because I want to let you know how much I'm an a$shole.
If there's no morning sex, don't wake me up.
The ATM is a REAL MAN! He never borthers to ask you crap questions like "Why did you take out this much?" "Buying useless sh t again?" or "$500 at 3AM Saturday? Don't tell me it's for piano lessons again!"
Fish tanks are supposed to be soothing? My fish have seen me naked! I think my fish need a fish tank in their fish tank.
Some of these girls are getting big headed over the hundreds of likes they are getting on their FB pics from all the thirsty and unemployed guys out there. I know they are unemployed because working men are too busy at their jobs to be stalking anyone.
How long is sexual healing supposed to take because I came in this one three times and she's still in a coma.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
This ceiling fan I have at home has 3 speeds: 1) barely moves, 2) slow as a snail, 3) about to fly and kill someone!!
One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
I called the surgery this morning to book an appointment for my annual check up. I just hope the receptionist can spell!!!
Don't forget to support your local liquor store today!
If you don't mind I use duct tape. I'm giving free bikini waxes.
Just because I'm a lady doesn't mean I don't deserve to break someone's nose before I die.
Did I just say that out loud?" No, dumbass, you just thought about it and we heard.
I've been celibate for so long all I have now is a bladder release valve!
to those actresses who say they won't do nudity if it isn't important to the plot, they should do porn... there nudity IS the plot! 