Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia

   Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.

   I called the surgery this morning to book an appointment for my annual check up. I just hope the receptionist can spell!!!

   Don't forget to support your local liquor store today!

   If you don't mind I use duct tape. I'm giving free bikini waxes.

   Just because I'm a lady doesn't mean I don't deserve to break someone's nose before I die.

   Did I just say that out loud?" No, dumbass, you just thought about it and we heard.

   I've been celibate for so long all I have now is a bladder release valve!

   to those actresses who say they won't do nudity if it isn't important to the plot, they should do porn... there nudity IS the plot!

   Everyone google "Tulsa Tower Guy" He's a crazy naked black guy that climbed this 300ft tower 6 days ago and they can't get him down!

   my daughters convinced me to take in a stray cat they found. in retrospect, I really should be clearer and more specific with my wishing!

   even the sweetest memories have a bitter taste

   hates that epic fail of not removing a yoghurt top in one piece!

   Would it be a good thing if I woke up feeling like P.Diddy? WTF's that mean anyway?!!

   It's not the getting up and getting ready for work that I hate. It's the 8 hour wait to go home that's the b!tch

   I like to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly.

   A real woman not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not attracted to and has no intention of dating. But a gold-digger would.

   Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.

   You hear people say don't feed squirrels or birds b/c it will affect the animals' instincts/skills and negatively affect the entire ecosystem. Maybe people nowadays's should apply that philosophy to child rearing.....

   One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well and I replied 'No, I made a few mistakes.'