Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.....With a Hot Blonde and Winning Lottery Ticket!!.....DAMN!!! Didn't work again.....

   So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone's like "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"

   Ladies you should start a revolution like the bra burnings in the 60's only I say pantie burnings this time around.

   As I write this I'm in an unmoving airport security line standing completely still in a stranger's fart.

   Take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on and you get your "I like to play dumb games" name.

   In a new poll, 80% of Japanese women admit to having faked origami.

   I don't need no fancy pants book learnin' to know that xenophobia is the fear of warrior princesses.

   I'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. He must just be bragging that he has change.

   Some women are born to greatness, some have it thrust into them.

   Considering I'm broke, I wonder if she'll let me be her sugar-free daddy.

   Last night was my first shift on our new neighborhood watch. Apparently I misunderstood the entire concept. What do first time offenders get on Peeping Tom charges?

   Telling your kids you remember when gas was $.99 is like your Grandparents telling you they remember walking to school in the snow barefooted... Both were a long long time ago & will never happen again...

   Coins always make sounds, but paper money is mostly silent. So when your value increases, keep yourself silent and humble

   Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels

   people ask me....why you keep your wallet in your front pocket...I say....I like walking towards money not away from it

   No! for the last time stop asking if I am drunk… I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?

   You got 99 problems??well I got 99 bottles of beer on the wall that will solve everything

   fake hair color, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man!!!

   Dear Shake Weight, Thanks for showing the ladies how it's done. Forever yours, Edward

   I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.