Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got a blood transfusion from an Asian and Geico called me to revoke my car insurance.

   Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean

   I wish you were an early bird, because I have the worm.

   I just seen a place advertising pink wipers. Personally, I don't care what color they are as long as they don't start gagging and call me disgusting like my last wiper did ツ

   Dear fucktards at baseball games in football team gear. It doesn't count; you look like you're lost…

   I'm not saying shes a hoe, but shes taken more loads than a washing machine.

   Upon entering a room I announce "what smells in here?" just in case I fart later. That way I'm covered.

   "White Girl Wasted" is just another way of saying Drunk enough to cry about a broken cigarette

   When life Knocks you down, calmly get up, smile, and say " You hit like a Bi&ch"

   I have a friend that has 3 jobs. Weatherman, Politician, and car salesman. I don't think he's very truthful.

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills!!! Her shittz going to fly!

   If I only had a gym at home so I could finally not go to that one either.

   I'm not saying my ex was frigid, but to put it in computer terms, I would call her a "pop-up blocker"

   do siamese twins call their colons a "semicolon"?

   What idiot named them diet pillz instead of girth control?

   should I paint my nails light pink or nude? - Kim Kardashian

   I don't use Facebook. Trying to convince people that my life is better than theirs by announcing every insignificant event looks exhausting.

   #RealMenHandleThereBusiness #Manup #growup #showup #liveitup "Happy Fathers Day!" -take pride in what is yours and be proud of the human you created :)

   I'm late for work again! This time my dog ate my car.

   Ever who the guy was that said the South will rise again had erectile dysfunction.