Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my doctor told me to stay off alcohol until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 98 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   And then He said, "Don't be feedin any more homeless people until you have LED screens with this week's sermon in front of all my churches"

   I am the type of person who hides 99 problems behind the happiest smile :)

   Let us all heed Vanilla Ice's advice on a day like this......"Word to your mother"

   My wife thinks I've been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

   FYI all you taking those stupid FB quiz's... EVERYONE is getting Rockstar status.... so is it really your calling? No. Your calling is wasting time taking Facebook quiz's.

   Name your pet python Strangles cause its fun to to say "Oh that's just Strangles being Strangles" when he's strangling stuff

   Going to war for Syria is like jumping into a swimming pool while you're wearing an expensive suit to save the kid who bullied you.

   You know you have been married too long when the only heavy breathing going on in the bedroom is when someone uses the exercise equipment.

   Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" quickly became a feminist anthem for women. Probably because it's really upbeat and fun to do the hoovering to

   BBM = another attention seeking part of social media where ppl follow and not talk to eachother!

   If you want guys to get involved in causes, give them some motivation.... "This year's united way 5k includes a BJ from a stripper"

   I forgot my sweater today and now everyone can see how cold I am.

   Call her Princess. B*tches love being addressed as royalty.

   People who are cheap and think hiring a professional is expensive should talk to people who chose to hire an amateur.

   selfies are so last year, this year it's othies

   Happy dry hump Wednesday for you singles out there. . .

   My ex is great with a pole.... I have the bruises to prove it

   Every time I read "Large Hadron Collider", I think it says "Large Hardon Collider", which sounds rather painful.

   You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.