Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want guys to get involved in causes, give them some motivation.... "This year's united way 5k includes a BJ from a stripper"

   I forgot my sweater today and now everyone can see how cold I am.

   Call her Princess. B*tches love being addressed as royalty.

   People who are cheap and think hiring a professional is expensive should talk to people who chose to hire an amateur.

   selfies are so last year, this year it's othies

   Happy dry hump Wednesday for you singles out there. . .

   My ex is great with a pole.... I have the bruises to prove it

   Every time I read "Large Hadron Collider", I think it says "Large Hardon Collider", which sounds rather painful.

   You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

   Fighting fire with fire seems like a waste of time and resources. I'd use Justin Bieber.

   f you don't routinely use a Darth Vader voice to order at the drive-thru, odds are good we're not gonna be friends.

   I just sneezed alcohol onto a candle and started a fire.

   Do you think America will get so LAZY that we will have "Spray on pants."

   i really don"t need to know that you liked your own status...

   Why do people write on dead peoples Facebook walls? I don't get it.

   Made a deposit at the Sperm Bank....sadly, it's earning no interest.

   My Wife is pissed off at me for being such glutton. I think she must be glutton intolerant.

   Funny how the greatest threat to a human being's life on earth can be traced right back to a fellow human being.

   Its okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either.

   Now all my friends are smoking crack and falling in vomit at McDonald's....appears to be an epidemic and spreading fast!