Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may be crazy, but I'm not, "Of course I'd lease an office in the new One World Trade Center" crazy.

   Fun Things to Cry Out during Sex : "Oooh" "Eeeh" "Oooh" "Ahhh, Ahhh" "Ting" "Tang" "Walla Walla Bing Bang"

   Devin Nunes wants a closed interview of all the top microwave manufacturers.

   Women used to throw their underwear at Elvis Presley. If he were alive today, they'd be throwing their Depends.

   Seriously… The Chick-fil-A drive-through workers could’ve counted these votes by now… and they’d give you a “my pleasure!“ while doing it. 😐

   I know some surfer chicks who started a prostitution ring. They call themselves the Wavy Lays.

   It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

   Corned beef and cabbage this.

   Kayne West says slavery was a choice for the blacks. Yeah, Kanye is real normal alright.

   Space ISIS is coming after us!

   There are 3 unwritten rules fop a good life. #1.........................#2........................ #3.........................

   In another stunning reversal, Trump announced today that the chocolate cake he was served while bombing Syria was "average, at best."

   Kim Jong Un is fat! It's not because it runs in his family. He's fat because nobody runs in his family.

   I didn't know why everyone was making such a big deal about LGBT. I've been putting guacamole on my BLT for a long time now. I have now problems with it.

   Why are there so many old, retired men in church? They're cramming for the final.

   Reading red meat is bad for you so i'm giving up reading

   America: Diet coke, large pizzas.

   What's so bad about the Zika virus anyway? Some people like a little head.

   Usain Bolt is the world's fastest man, but if they had a sex olympics my husband would be in the hunt for the title.

   Jimmy Fallon is boring.