Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You seem like a nice person, are you lost?

   If I like your posted music vids ..99.9 % I never watched it..Sorry I can not lie...

   Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.

   If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?

   Avoiding responsibility one bottle of vodka at a time.

   Me as a doctor: Hey, I get paid whether you can maintain an erection or not buddy. Next!

   Hold on.. Lemme find a pic of me with my clothes on.

   You have 200 pictures of only your face? You must be sooooo thin.

   >>> Upset many will leave the home to go to a retail store where they can fight with complete strangers over unneeded and useless crap that our spoiled lives really didn't need in the first place.

   I heard you have trust issues. That's nice. Get in the damn van.

   Fathers day + My Birthday.. now thats what I call Sonday

   There's no such thing as hot lesbians. They're just chicks who had too much to drink.

   Just turned on the NBA game on the "Spur" of the moment.

   I believe I'm now at the age where wishing for something really hard and pooping your pants is pretty much the same thing ツ

   I have heard I said that women are the fairer sex ... that has not been my experience.

   If the N.F.L. cracked down on all the drug and alcohol abuse as well as spousal and child abuse watching football would remind me of golf.

   If you have no love to be thankful for, at least be thankful for all those bullets you dodged.

   My life's great I'm just missing that significant other

   The wind is proper whipping it up out there, guess I won't be taking the broom out for a spin tonight

   Idea: one of those "[X] days without an accident" signs but for embarrassing text messages