Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya know, I think Mummies get a bad Wrap.

   If God has a plan for everyone, his plan for me is to push me to the edge every day until I eventually choke myself out with a neck tie.

   my left ovary feels sore. like it was working out. I guess I would say its ovary active.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the only kind of positive post we knew was on a car battery.

   Ask Alexa "Do (state a color or race) lives matter?" and listen to the different responses...

   How policies suddenly change once you get elected: We gonna keep the Obamacare and we gonna legalize some undocumented immigrants. Yes you gonna get the change that you voted for.

   It's not that easy to not think about Donny all day. I mean you too would be constantly worried if you left a loony in charge of your house and kids.

   I may be crazy, but I'm not, "Of course I'd lease an office in the new One World Trade Center" crazy.

   Fun Things to Cry Out during Sex : "Oooh" "Eeeh" "Oooh" "Ahhh, Ahhh" "Ting" "Tang" "Walla Walla Bing Bang"

   Devin Nunes wants a closed interview of all the top microwave manufacturers.

   Choked on my coffee this morning so I guess I'm done for my daily cardio.

   My Ex was so ugly that when she went to a nude beach she was asked to cover her face

   This entire gender neutral thing has gone too far. I just saw a commercial on tv for Mama John's.

   Worlds shortest joke- "Two women are sitting quietly"

   Moving is so fun, finally found this chloroform, hey does it taste expired to y....

   Going to the Guns 'n Roses concert tonight. I hope the noise doesn't give me cancer tonight.

   Women used to throw their underwear at Elvis Presley. If he were alive today, they'd be throwing their Depends.

   Seriously… The Chick-fil-A drive-through workers could’ve counted these votes by now… and they’d give you a “my pleasure!“ while doing it. 😐

   I know some surfer chicks who started a prostitution ring. They call themselves the Wavy Lays.

   It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming