Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to flip a "lucky" around in my cigarette pack. Until I realized it's the only cigarette I get drunk and light backwards.

   I don't care when a girl puts me in 'the friend', 'creeper' or 'getting a restraining order against zone'... it's their loss, not mine."

   Ya know, I think Mummies get a bad Wrap.

   If God has a plan for everyone, his plan for me is to push me to the edge every day until I eventually choke myself out with a neck tie.

   How policies suddenly change once you get elected: We gonna keep the Obamacare and we gonna legalize some undocumented immigrants. Yes you gonna get the change that you voted for.

   It's not that easy to not think about Donny all day. I mean you too would be constantly worried if you left a loony in charge of your house and kids.

   I may be crazy, but I'm not, "Of course I'd lease an office in the new One World Trade Center" crazy.

   Fun Things to Cry Out during Sex : "Oooh" "Eeeh" "Oooh" "Ahhh, Ahhh" "Ting" "Tang" "Walla Walla Bing Bang"

   Devin Nunes wants a closed interview of all the top microwave manufacturers.

   In another stunning reversal, Trump announced today that the chocolate cake he was served while bombing Syria was "average, at best."

   Kim Jong Un is fat! It's not because it runs in his family. He's fat because nobody runs in his family.

   I didn't know why everyone was making such a big deal about LGBT. I've been putting guacamole on my BLT for a long time now. I have now problems with it.

   Why are there so many old, retired men in church? They're cramming for the final.

   Kayne West says slavery was a choice for the blacks. Yeah, Kanye is real normal alright.

   Space ISIS is coming after us!

   There are 3 unwritten rules fop a good life. #1.........................#2........................ #3.........................

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it "Toilet Paper" and not "Butt Napkins"?

   my left ovary feels sore. like it was working out. I guess I would say its ovary active.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the only kind of positive post we knew was on a car battery.

   Ask Alexa "Do (state a color or race) lives matter?" and listen to the different responses...