Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe they murdered him. He was a president! And they found all the missing gold. Check wikipedia for the full story!

   I only like foods that begin with the word "cheesy".

   what we mean and mean what we say.. Honesty is the only way!

   You may be pushing Christmas a little too much if you take your candle out of your Jack-O-Lantern and stick it in your Window!!...Just Sayin..

   I didn't eat enough to feel guilty but too much to feel virtuous. I did it wrong, didn't I?

   I'm not sure what color you guys should change your avatars to, but Starbucks is out of bran muffins.

   When girls impersonate guys, they make their voice deeper and add a "stupid" tone to it. When guys impersonate girls, we make our voice go an octave higher and add an attitude.

   Just took my Doritos bag out of the trash because I saw one more Dorito in it. I wonder if Bonnie Tyler is still holding out for a hero?

   It's not so much that I'm a KE$HA hater, its more of the fact that I'm a music lover.

   I'm wearing my Sketcher Shape-ups, or as I affectionately call them: Can't-Get-Laid(s).

   I used to like Kim Kardashian...until she became a publicity squealin boar. Now I just think she's had her 15 minutes and really needs to stop selling photos and stupid stories to magazines. You lost me at "I'm so annoyed...!!!"

   I hate to say it, but...Times change, seasons change, jobs change, lives change, and even weather changes. But people never do.

   when ur a kid you ask "why do I gotta pick up my toys?"...when ur an adult you get the answer

   Today I heard the band Queen is holding auditions for a lead singer via youtube. I was gonna audition but I look ridiculous in a leotard.

   When someone asks me what superpower I would have if I were a superhero, I tell them I already have one. I say I possess the preternatural ability to anticipate and avoid horrifically boring conversations. Then I walk away.

   If and when you decide to speak super nonsensical philosophy, Make sure you get the grammar right.

   There really should be a Web site that explains how to properly tie an ascot on a cat.

   Why, when my dad left his phone in the car his phone rang and the ringtone was "Love in this club" by Usher???

   Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.

   down in the dumps...no really, this trash is deep...