Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vodka makes the world unwound.

   sad that all it takes is a CAPTCHA to prove you're human these days

   I like when the carpet matches the drapes......and by carpet I mean Shag rug.

   I need to do something reproductive today. Happy Father's Day

   It's Sunday. If god is watching, the least you can do is be entertaining.

   A lipbite can be sexy, unless you're bitting your upper lip. Wonder how many people just tried that.

   I think I now also push people away on a subliminal level.

   You had me at "life is total B.S."

   I can get a women very excited just by using my mouth. I say stuff like "shopping..new shoes babies.!!

   Am I the only one who thinks McDonald's should only get their beef from Macau?

   If I can't identify an animal I spray it with water because there's always that chance it could be a gremlin

   Great.! finally a online dating site that meets my needs imtobusy.com

   it offensive to bring your own chair to someone's apartment?

   Dog is man's best friend. Cat is an acquaintance.

   At A yardsale today I bought a Large Minnie Mouse,is that Oxymoronic ? or just gay?

   The only honest people in the world are small children and drunk people!

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy duct tape to shut people up, so what's the difference?

   It's fend for yourself night and you know what that means...cold cereal for dinner.

   They need to invent a pill that gives me incredible bouts of energy without any of the seizures.

   Getting into an argument with a stupid people is something you will never win at even when you do. Like tic-tac-toe or global thermonuclear war.