Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that universal face somebody makes when their thinking "wtf did I just put in my mouth?"

   I wear a mouth guard to bed, you probably shouldn't mess with me.

   That moment when you spend 20 minutes making all the christmas lights work, then putting them nicely along the ceiling, then stand back to look at the beautiful setup up.. Plug them in... And BAM, they don't work....\

   OMG! MY ROOM IS SO DIRTY!! Oh nevermind, I found febreeze.

   People who live in glass houses shouldnt smoke crack!

   a guy can f¥ck you for a year straight and still not like one thing about you

   Kind of funny that Paula Broadwell's book is called ALL IN

   I really wanted to tell someone how much I appreciated them but then I realized cake had no ears :(

   China is the only country that gets to have towns in just about every city in the world.

   90% of the girls I've dated, I got their pants off with my humor. The other 10% were passed out, so I had to take them off myself.

   if you order a hamburger at a mexican restaurant you're a terrorist

   For a boot that has been left outside since the early ‘90s, Kevin Bacon aged pretty well.

   wake me up when September ends

   I only fall for women that are cold, damaged and empty inside. That way I don't get accused of up a good thing.

   Marriage, or as I like to call it...grim death!

   If you don't grab the opportunity by the ass someone else will.

   Mmmmm. . .pi.

   Heard a rap song that didn't mention money, cars or hoes...Now i'm frantically trying to remember whether I took the blue or green pill!

   If being interrogated counts as talking to people then yes, I've been talking to people.

   I hate getting out of the shower only to discover I have no real friends.