Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Perhaps next year's Columbus Day sales would be a 24-hour shoplifting spree.

   Every story about edible weed: 1) Not high. 2) Not high. 3) Still not high. 4) Not high. 5) Please drive me to the emergency room.

   Wait, I'm confused. Is Pete Burns Dead or Alive? (Too soon?)

   I participated in the downfall of America, and all I got was this lousy sticker?

   About 500 thousand astrologers in India and none of them predicted that the notes will be changed

   Shut the F**k up, eat your turkey and just be thankful!

   This milk tastes like gorgonzola cheese. The sell by date is 12/29. Never mind. 12/29/15.

   my new years resolution is 1680 x 1050

   The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   You're like the Tampax string hanging out of people.

   If you ever see Rick Ross running, call the police.

   you you know when you loose control of the words falling out of your mouth, you should do me a favor and just choke on it

   In life everything has a Yin & a Yang. Without demoralizing Monday mornings, there would be no debaucherous Friday nights.

   clicking her heels......... trying to find her way home.

   Since they are doing 2011 in review on various TV News/Info programs... They showed pictures of Rihanna with Red Hair and a pony-tail. I thought, "Wow, Wendy's Logo just got a New Look"

   Thanks, Phillips Colon Health Lady, for proving there's no need for a healthy diet if we can just eat crap & take a pill.

   Worked out for an hour. Ate two brownies. Somehow I am able to justify this because its Friday...

   I"VE HAD IT UP TO BEER WITH YOU!

   says the scariest thing in the world is to know what a cat is thinking when it stares at you