Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm awkward. I don't apologize for it. Hi.

   May order Greek delivery for dinner tonite. Plan to just tell the driver what I'm prepared to pay.....

   I am just surprised your mouth isn't foot-shaped.

   Kim: Honey, I haven’t heard your name in the news for over a week! Quick, say or do something stupid! Kanye: Hold my beer...

   There are now way too many people on this planet. We need a new plague.

   Seriously guys, I'm a virgin. No woman finds me attractive.

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.

   A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.

   Can you tell me how to get....... How to get to craaaazzzy town..... How to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town.

   What do you call a ghost bee? ...... A boo bee.

   Running with the Spanish bulls, Seattle WA and Portland OR, tonight, live on Pay per view

   Just broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

   I've social distancing most of my life - now everybody's doing it. Now I'm just waiting for everybody to experiment with autoerotique asphyxiation.

   I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

   I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

   Which wine pairs best with Spicy chicken Ramen ?

   Some drink from fountain of knowledge others just gargle

   If you gonna keep going back to a toxic relationship, deactivate yer social media

   I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

   I really hate to make you people cry but Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kanye West.