Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Running with the Spanish bulls, Seattle WA and Portland OR, tonight, live on Pay per view

   Just broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

   I've social distancing most of my life - now everybody's doing it. Now I'm just waiting for everybody to experiment with autoerotique asphyxiation.

   I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

   I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

   Which wine pairs best with Spicy chicken Ramen ?

   Some drink from fountain of knowledge others just gargle

   If you gonna keep going back to a toxic relationship, deactivate yer social media

   I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

   I really hate to make you people cry but Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kanye West.

   Waxing my car. God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

   Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet” And not “buyarrhea”

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   That black cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️

   Hand dryers in restrooms are just drying your washed hands with doodoo air...

   Fact checking is hate speech!

   I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn't allowed to hit me.

   If you want to know what cereal you don't have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

   Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN me: hi Danny Devito: well hello there

   Daylight Saving Time arrives tomorrow. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it 8 months.