Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My underwear is so old, that my tighty whities are no longer tight or white.

   Insanity runs in my family..it practically gallops.

   I’m really bad at impressions but I’ll give it a shot: This is my impression of a man that went into a coma in 2014 and woke up in 2019. “Seriously? That dude? Aaand scene.

   What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he won't come to you anyway.

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B

   I just got the strangest BJ ever. It was... you ever see that cartoon where a chicken is trying to yank a worm out of the ground kinda like a tug of war?

   I guess I shouldn't use Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've just begun to scratch the surface.

   Wife nudged me awake "I can hear noises downstairs" so said "so what, I can hear noises downstairs or upstairs"

   You know that game where your hands made a church and steeple, and you opened it up to see the people? Why the hell didn't it bother anyone that the people were all being hung from the rafters like a mass suicide?

   Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.

   My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.

   7-11 cashier: that will be $5.87. Me: ok 7-11 cashier: would you like a bag? Me: You got something good???

   Why does the speaker of the house have a spoke person ?

   I told my kids the Easter bunny is lazy...He didn't even cook or color the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge

   It's a bad day to be a witch.

   When we were kids my sister played with dolls and I played with soldiers. Now it's the other way round.

   Running with the Spanish bulls, Seattle WA and Portland OR, tonight, live on Pay per view

   Just broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

   I've social distancing most of my life - now everybody's doing it. Now I'm just waiting for everybody to experiment with autoerotique asphyxiation.

   I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.