Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys, I heard this crazy myth that there are people who don't hate themselves after every meal. Is this true?

   I've got tickets to see that new Irish rapper. Jay Zus

   Okay ladies, these charges aren't going to press themselves...

   The easiest person to make fun of is me... But also that guy at Sam's Club who was stalking the corn dog samples. Oh wait....... Also me. Carry on

   leather good's maker Louis Vuitton rejecting Lindsay Lohan's request for logo embroidered muzzle ; whips & fanny pack

   Plano, where guys show up in ed hardy shirt glittered up, fake bake tan, dragon ball z hair, wearing sunglasses indoors.

   wishes he knew why his cholesterol number is so high. It's really beginning to...uh, hold on a sec ("Yeah man, throw a little more pepperoni on that thing will ya? Thanks."). Alright, I'm back. So anyway...

   on double secret probation through the end of the year!

   42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

   living each day as if it were his last: The cashier at Krispy Kreame knows him by name.

   Almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met :(

   trying to decide if I has an attitude problem today, or not.

   's mum wouldn't buy the excuse, so he/she offered it to her at half price!

   Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting

   My Girlfriend says I have a way with words..the WRONG way.

   Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? A: Artifical Intelligence

   So I'm listening to Pandora today, and I think I heard the most fitting name for a techno song that was on... called "This Is Acid"

   I'll take the high road but only after taking a little joy ride on the low road to leave tread marks behind.

   Do the people on Take Me Out actually maintain a relationship?

   I'd say we're only a year or so away from somebody getting murdered for denying access to a phone charger.