Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish everyone would please stop confusing my issues.

   When my ex left me I developed an Underground Railroad to sneak into her basement and watch Netflix

   Why waste money on a shrink when I can just watch the dog whisperer and get cured for free.

   I am outraged that corporate media would air that thing they desperately wanted me to be outraged about!

   All these survival TV shows are really helping thin the herd!!

   OK Mayan's you missed out on these "END of world" predictions don't worry it's not like there is no tomorrow!!!!

   i hate it when people say two wrongs don't make a right. A right and a wrong don't make a right either.

   If I were a cop, I'd get a badge tattooed on one of my buttcheeks and press it on the window of anybody I pulled over.

   Tesco's Quarter Pounders. AKA Trigger burgers. You could see the marks where the jockey was hitting it.

   i found a sexy person who I love very much.... it's a shame i'm not allowed to marry myself

   Guys, I heard this crazy myth that there are people who don't hate themselves after every meal. Is this true?

   I've got tickets to see that new Irish rapper. Jay Zus

   Okay ladies, these charges aren't going to press themselves...

   The easiest person to make fun of is me... But also that guy at Sam's Club who was stalking the corn dog samples. Oh wait....... Also me. Carry on

   Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? A: Artifical Intelligence

   So I'm listening to Pandora today, and I think I heard the most fitting name for a techno song that was on... called "This Is Acid"

   on double secret probation through the end of the year!

   42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

   living each day as if it were his last: The cashier at Krispy Kreame knows him by name.

   Almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met :(