Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   trying to decide if I has an attitude problem today, or not.

   's mum wouldn't buy the excuse, so he/she offered it to her at half price!

   Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting

   My Girlfriend says I have a way with words..the WRONG way.

   I'm not saying she's easy, but even a claustrophobic person would be okay inside her.

   The pollen count is so high math labs are busy trying to turn their math back in to Benadryl

   i put my phone on plane mode and then it kicked my ass!

   Does Octomom still have those 6 kids.

   The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .

   If you looked up the word "modest" in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me.

   A certain duck who does not wear pants was questioned, but was seen signing autographs at the time.

   Hug her from behind but keep an eye out for her husband.

   Its so hot in my apartment,Satan called asking if its for sale!lol

   I just saw a digital radio going for super cheap on EBay because it's stuck on full volume. Can't turn that down!

   During my vacation, I learned alot about my self. The main thing I learned was, not to take another vacation.

   Before you go driving thru flood water, remember water made the Grand Canyon.

   I am curently baking the air in here @400° because I am not turning the heat on yet!

   I hope old Hugh went out with a bang.

   The only reason I picked up that copy of Playboy was to read Hugh Hefner's Obit.....What Pictures???

   Kim: Honey, I haven’t heard your name in the news for over a week! Quick, say or do something stupid! Kanye: Hold my beer...