Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4948 of 6446

Tonight looks like a good night to do all the nothing I have planned! !!!

With their recent driving records Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes are giving new meaning to the old phrase "Star-Struck"

My wife's safe word: "Not-tonight-honey"
←Rate |
10-06-2012 10:16 by Czovczov
Comments (0)

I'm individually wrapped for freshness, that's why I get dressed in the mornings!!

that universal face somebody makes when their thinking "wtf did I just put in my mouth?"
←Rate |
11-02-2012 16:28
Comments (0)

I wear a mouth guard to bed, you probably shouldn't mess with me.
←Rate |
11-22-2012 13:19
Comments (0)

That moment when you spend 20 minutes making all the christmas lights work, then putting them nicely along the ceiling, then stand back to look at the beautiful setup up.. Plug them in... And BAM, they don't work....\
←Rate |
12-14-2012 20:08
Comments (0)

There is a fine line between confidence, and arrogance. I walk that line when I'm drunk, swaying from side to side.
←Rate |
07-04-2013 10:18
Comments (0)

It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.
←Rate |
07-12-2013 01:15
Comments (0)

Well, the body scanner at the airport triggered them to search me in 3 areas.. My chest, my ass and my right front pocket area... Guess the gym is paying off.
←Rate |
07-13-2013 06:45
Comments (0)

I wish everyone would please stop confusing my issues.
←Rate |
07-15-2013 16:38
Comments (0)

When my ex left me I developed an Underground Railroad to sneak into her basement and watch Netflix
←Rate |
08-09-2013 12:23 by fadolo
Comments (0)

Why waste money on a shrink when I can just watch the dog whisperer and get cured for free.
←Rate |
08-27-2013 08:09
Comments (0)

I am outraged that corporate media would air that thing they desperately wanted me to be outraged about!
←Rate |
08-27-2013 11:27
Comments (0)

All these survival TV shows are really helping thin the herd!!
←Rate |
08-27-2013 18:36
Comments (0)

OK Mayan's you missed out on these "END of world" predictions don't worry it's not like there is no tomorrow!!!!
←Rate |
12-21-2012 06:18
Comments (1)

i hate it when people say two wrongs don't make a right. A right and a wrong don't make a right either.
←Rate |
12-31-2012 02:24
Comments (0)

If I were a cop, I'd get a badge tattooed on one of my buttcheeks and press it on the window of anybody I pulled over.
←Rate |
01-15-2013 12:49
Comments (0)

Tesco's Quarter Pounders. AKA Trigger burgers. You could see the marks where the jockey was hitting it.
←Rate |
01-16-2013 19:44
Comments (0)

i found a sexy person who I love very much.... it's a shame i'm not allowed to marry myself
←Rate |
01-29-2013 20:13 by Eddy
Comments (0)