Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If sex burns a lot of calories as the experts say, then Rick Ross must be a virgin.

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

   why are they called bag ladies, they always have carts

   Happy Mardi Gras! Laissez les bon temps Roule! And hopefully, when you wake up you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Beignets Rule" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   It would be a nice jesture to avoid this sequester.

   You claim to have started from the bottom. But you forget to mention you still down there.

   So they elected an Argentinean Pope... FREE CHURASCCO FOR EVERYONE!!

   I think the phrase "there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide" originated from someone who farted in the shower.

   I hate Mondays. I've destroyed my office with my air guitar twice already today!

   I need Google in my brain and Anti-Virus in my heart.

   Tonight looks like a good night to do all the nothing I have planned! !!!

   With their recent driving records Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes are giving new meaning to the old phrase "Star-Struck"

   My wife's safe word: "Not-tonight-honey"

   I'm individually wrapped for freshness, that's why I get dressed in the mornings!!

   that universal face somebody makes when their thinking "wtf did I just put in my mouth?"

   I wear a mouth guard to bed, you probably shouldn't mess with me.

   That moment when you spend 20 minutes making all the christmas lights work, then putting them nicely along the ceiling, then stand back to look at the beautiful setup up.. Plug them in... And BAM, they don't work....\

   There is a fine line between confidence, and arrogance. I walk that line when I'm drunk, swaying from side to side.

   It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.

   Well, the body scanner at the airport triggered them to search me in 3 areas.. My chest, my ass and my right front pocket area... Guess the gym is paying off.