Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tonight looks like a good night to do all the nothing I have planned! !!!

   With their recent driving records Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes are giving new meaning to the old phrase "Star-Struck"

   My wife's safe word: "Not-tonight-honey"

   I'm individually wrapped for freshness, that's why I get dressed in the mornings!!

   that universal face somebody makes when their thinking "wtf did I just put in my mouth?"

   I wear a mouth guard to bed, you probably shouldn't mess with me.

   That moment when you spend 20 minutes making all the christmas lights work, then putting them nicely along the ceiling, then stand back to look at the beautiful setup up.. Plug them in... And BAM, they don't work....\

   There is a fine line between confidence, and arrogance. I walk that line when I'm drunk, swaying from side to side.

   It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.

   Well, the body scanner at the airport triggered them to search me in 3 areas.. My chest, my ass and my right front pocket area... Guess the gym is paying off.

   I wish everyone would please stop confusing my issues.

   When my ex left me I developed an Underground Railroad to sneak into her basement and watch Netflix

   Why waste money on a shrink when I can just watch the dog whisperer and get cured for free.

   I am outraged that corporate media would air that thing they desperately wanted me to be outraged about!

   All these survival TV shows are really helping thin the herd!!

   OK Mayan's you missed out on these "END of world" predictions don't worry it's not like there is no tomorrow!!!!

   i hate it when people say two wrongs don't make a right. A right and a wrong don't make a right either.

   If I were a cop, I'd get a badge tattooed on one of my buttcheeks and press it on the window of anybody I pulled over.

   Tesco's Quarter Pounders. AKA Trigger burgers. You could see the marks where the jockey was hitting it.

   i found a sexy person who I love very much.... it's a shame i'm not allowed to marry myself