Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just taken a ride in the WAWA hoagie baloon.

   All is not lost. It's just a little bit hard to keep track of.

   I started to worry about my future, so I bought a ton of stock in my company, now I worry about the work I am putting out :/

   If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

   It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.

   She said the 'F' word. She called us Friends.

   It's not true love until they offer to get decapitated, cooked and eaten by you.

   I like to restate the obvious, it's important obviously

   It's not pretty being easy.

   If I had a hammer, I'd most likely b!tch about my lack of nails.

   If sex burns a lot of calories as the experts say, then Rick Ross must be a virgin.

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

   why are they called bag ladies, they always have carts

   Happy Mardi Gras! Laissez les bon temps Roule! And hopefully, when you wake up you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Beignets Rule" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   It would be a nice jesture to avoid this sequester.

   You claim to have started from the bottom. But you forget to mention you still down there.

   So they elected an Argentinean Pope... FREE CHURASCCO FOR EVERYONE!!

   I think the phrase "there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide" originated from someone who farted in the shower.

   I hate Mondays. I've destroyed my office with my air guitar twice already today!

   I need Google in my brain and Anti-Virus in my heart.