Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst feeling in the world is when you hear someone with heels heading your direction, sounding like a real hot babe, only to find out its either some old hag or a guy with coowboy boots on

   For all the lazy people Heinz has come out with Mayochup to put on your burgers. It's ketchup and mayonnaise in one squeeze bottle.

   I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage

   I miss the days when a restaurant would tin foil wrap my leftovers into a swan or a boat or a hat to keep the NSA out of my brain.

   My R&B playlist is dangerous. It almost guarantees pregnancy

   The definition of surprise: a fart with a lump in it.

   Someone gave me a free pen without their knowledge today. Well, I took a pen.

   So I asked her “what is that alluring perfume you’re wearing “ and she says “OFF Mosquito repellent “ Gets me every time!

   What business makes money by driving their customers away........ A taxi.

   Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.

   Petrichor, n. the smell of rain on dry earth

   I always Google before reading directions to anything !

   Proof that a level weirder than weirdness exists

   Hey Osama, must suck when you wake up in Hell & realize those 70 virgins were not women after all, but 70 male virgins that are sooo ready to tear that ass up in Hell.

   Hey Osama I hope you like guy's because I have 72 for you

   This must be the has been edition of celebrity apprentice.

   Decided to add upsets to my bracket this year. So far, I'm the only one that is upset.

   I prepared my self for this rapture by playing zombies on black ops and my wife said it was a waste of time I guess the jokes on her !

   oh crap..they didn't take me but they took the rum!

   Final Words..."These are the GOOD kind of mushrooms"