Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother never saw the iorny in calling me a s.o.b.

   Technology has improved men's sex lives over the last 20 years! The pages of Porn-tube don't get stuck together!

   Why do people get angry when you say F you, or give them the finger ? But not when you say srrew you or up yours ? Don't they all mean the same thing ?

   Kentucky man catches 20lb goldfish. Bet that willbe hard to flush down the toilet.

   Samsung devices can now run 3 apps simultaneously while you can't even hover past incoming calls on the iPhone😩

   Had an absolutely amazing dream last night I feel could change mine and quite possibly millions of other people's lifes forever! if I could just remember what it was about?

   It’s like no one is talking about how Game of Thrones fans are due for a world of hurt very soon

   Okay, time to be productive!....or in other words log out of facebook. Which by the way is the secret to my success.

   Happy Revenge of the Sixth, everyone!

   Thanks to Facebook me and my friend's can now send each other invites and make plans months in advance like we're going on an expedition to the upper reaches of Mongolia to get together for a cup of coffee.

   I just picked a crumb off my shirt to eat, but it was a fuzz. I chewed it for about 13 seconds before I realized it wasn’t food. My cry for help is almost complete.

   I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

   I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.

   If you haven't met someone, don't despair. There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

   Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

   the four elements are: • earth • fire • air • water • surprise

   me: [hitting the space bar] hot alien: hey

   Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

   I put the cute in electrocute.

   I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are