Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just realized the most exciting part of playing Monopoly is picking the token.

   my stocks plumeth again.....can I get a welfare check?....

   I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.

   Taking a bullet for someone is nothing. Take a nuclear warhead to the chest, now that's impressive....

   Verizon guy: Your new phone is water resistant. Me: Oh, good. Cuz I cry a lot.

   Ya know, that damn commercial lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!

   Not very happy with my new microphone but I'll hang on to it in case I ever want to make a video that sounds like I'm at the bottom of a well shouting into an empty beer can.

   Damn ... guess yet again I bought all of those Jumbo sized condoms for nothing!! Oh well ... Looks like i'm having another big post Valentines day Water Balloon drop off my balcony tomorrow.

   I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to spend more time in the s#*tter at work.

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit

   I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil

   Be a savvy consumer. Do your research rather than trusting your local circus barker’s claims that no other wonders on earth could compare to the oddities found in his freak show.

   I'm watching the Puerto Rico Open on TV and I don't a single one of the golfers is Puertorican...

   Twisted Personal Ads: SWM seeking SWF. Age, ethnicity and religion not important. Nymphomaniacal tendencies and chronic laryngitis are a plus. Please reply to Box OU692

   Mexico has the FBI. The American equivalent of The girl scouts.

   If change is good, exact change is even better.

   Turns out the Canary Islands doesn't have any canaries. Just like the Virgin Islands doesn't have any.

   In the future Frosty the puddle, will take the place of Frosty the snowman,

   The last place to celebrate the New Year's eve celebration is the tiny north pacific Island Midway Atoll with the population of about 60.

   My New Years resolution is to be more active. Sexually.