Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Damn ... guess yet again I bought all of those Jumbo sized condoms for nothing!! Oh well ... Looks like i'm having another big post Valentines day Water Balloon drop off my balcony tomorrow.

   I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to spend more time in the s#*tter at work.

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit

   I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil

   Be a savvy consumer. Do your research rather than trusting your local circus barker’s claims that no other wonders on earth could compare to the oddities found in his freak show.

   I'm watching the Puerto Rico Open on TV and I don't a single one of the golfers is Puertorican...

   Twisted Personal Ads: SWM seeking SWF. Age, ethnicity and religion not important. Nymphomaniacal tendencies and chronic laryngitis are a plus. Please reply to Box OU692

   Mexico has the FBI. The American equivalent of The girl scouts.

   I'm so old when I was a kid my stomach used to growl when I was hungry, now it sought of just grumbles and complains.

   Wolverine doesn't apologize nearly enough for a dude from Canada.

   My wife asked me for a sonnet. Never knew she liked fancy hats.

   Night clubs during the day is now one of my anxiety triggers....

   I love when I can see a grown adult be happier than a kid in a candy store and the candy is shaped like toys!!!

   You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.

   Only while camping can you pee in the middle of the night while staring into the eyes of a bear.

   You're a living oxymoron if you get distracted while driving a Ford Focus.

   I wouldn't descibe myself as ego-centric. I prefer ego-Kentric.

   Nancy Grace is leaving CNN to spend more time exploiting abused minors in the private sector.

   Can I get Zika from watching the Rio Olympics on TV?

   I owe my kids $4,983 in back allowances.