Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They changed the zodiac signs! Are they just going to add in a new random month too?

   YEAR IN REVIEW: January February March April May June July August September October November December...... *nice we did it, congrats folks

   4: Mommy, where do babies come from?..... Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much...

   Loneliness is very dangerous. It's addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people while working at any gas station.

   Me laughing: I don't drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.

   You definitely can't photoshop your ugly personality

   how do people on game of thrones keep addressing multitudes without the aid of a microphone?

   If you carry a gas can in your trunk, you should rethink your life plan...

   I am not okay with the word 'lotion' since seeing Silence of the Lambs.

   Businesses be like: Buy one get one free if you pay double for the first one.

   Nick Cannon challenges Eminem to $100,000 rap battle, I am so loooking forward to watching it this week on America's Got Talent.

   Pro Tip: 84% of my adult life is singing the chorus from Boyz 2 Men's "I'll Make Love To You" at the most inappropriate time.

   I love yoga class. Except my yoga class is on my couch with a donut and instead of stretching, I cramp up due to lack of activity.

   Yes your opinions h ere will change the course of history. It will change government policy. It will change world order.

   You had me at hello. Then you said "sorry wrong apartment". Come back. You know where I live.

   Airbnb weirds me out a bit. As a kid, people are like "Don't talk to strangers", but as an adult you're paying to be in their house.

   You've just got to assume that Kanye makes Kim wear mirrored sunglasses during the sex.

   Coffee: Creative fuel!!

   An intervention, but for your selfies.

   Hell is empty and all the devils are here...