Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nick Cannon challenges Eminem to $100,000 rap battle, I am so loooking forward to watching it this week on America's Got Talent.

   Pro Tip: 84% of my adult life is singing the chorus from Boyz 2 Men's "I'll Make Love To You" at the most inappropriate time.

   I love yoga class. Except my yoga class is on my couch with a donut and instead of stretching, I cramp up due to lack of activity.

   Yes your opinions h ere will change the course of history. It will change government policy. It will change world order.

   You had me at hello. Then you said "sorry wrong apartment". Come back. You know where I live.

   Airbnb weirds me out a bit. As a kid, people are like "Don't talk to strangers", but as an adult you're paying to be in their house.

   You've just got to assume that Kanye makes Kim wear mirrored sunglasses during the sex.

   Coffee: Creative fuel!!

   An intervention, but for your selfies.

   Hell is empty and all the devils are here...

   Too many snakes and not enough ladders these days

   I know you love me baby. I know. Which is why I got this restraining order on your ass.

   does Life feels heavy and the days are not really what you want? The solution is to look at life as a male dog. if it can not be eaten or fu#ked, so piss on it and move on ...

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't you better start praying"

   UGH! A co-worker is here with kids and I don't want to talk to them, so I'm trying to look busy. This is the hardest I've worked all week!

   Interesting what people will do for money. Noteworthy what I'll do for free beer.

   Finally, the first snowfall of the season. Now I have a valid reason for blowing through the traffic lights.

   There are two different kind of people in the world, "born" ones and "made" ones.

   Text me first so I know it's real

   The more you just sit there and look at your problem the more it grows.