Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's sad to see that two close people don't recognize each other anymore. Not because they grew up but because they grew apart.

   Much to my dismay, chocolate labs aren't quite as delicious as one might think ツ

   I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day. Take me to the place I love. Take me all the way.

   I think It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   Heyy I changed my car horn to gun shot sound...People move out the way much faster now ;-))

   crazy woman on the train claiming Jesus was coming back, so I stood up and said, "yes, I am back and you are a sinner". She really freaked out when I started baptizing her with my water bottle.

   Abercrombie clothes are NOT meant to be worn by fat people, Just sayin'

   FOX News is reporting that Obama is being questioned for killing Jobs

   so much cooler online!

   trying to get the taste of last night's date's mouth out of his mouth.

   My shadow is my only black friend.

   Medical Tip: If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office... keep walking.

   Did Obama take ever take a economics class? Oh I'm sorry his school records are sealed too!

   Going to watch the True Blood finale now. After watching the Tea Party debate, I need to experience something closer to reality

   Best episode of CSI ever, If only I have the power to turn things into reality... Justin Bieber would be dead for good!

   Hallie Berry....call me ;)

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

   BOB THE BUILDER CAN WE FIX IT! Bob: ummm not right now I'm on facebook

   You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

   *takes a long drag from a cigarette *points at your baby What's wrong with your dog?