Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forgive me father, for I like sin.

   Just bought an actual CD, then put on my bonnet and churned the rest of the butter before Pa got back from the silversmith

   If you urinate in a pair of swim goggles and strap them to your face you won't need Instagram anymore....... next question

   170.6 Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

   How fat was she?She needed a hairdresser for each armpit.

   You're like hot chocolate and I'm marshmallows; Because you're hot and I wanna be on top of you.

   that old woman walking around with the trophy is killing me lol wonder if she even knows whats going on, or if she just smiling cause she went number 2...

   I'm sorry if you cant understand, but I need a Radio inside my hand!!!

   I love God. I just don't like the peope who work for him.

   I am going to only talk like a gangster from the 1940s starting right now. See?

   I discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?".

   It's sad to see that two close people don't recognize each other anymore. Not because they grew up but because they grew apart.

   Much to my dismay, chocolate labs aren't quite as delicious as one might think ツ

   I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day. Take me to the place I love. Take me all the way.

   I think It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   Heyy I changed my car horn to gun shot sound...People move out the way much faster now ;-))

   crazy woman on the train claiming Jesus was coming back, so I stood up and said, "yes, I am back and you are a sinner". She really freaked out when I started baptizing her with my water bottle.

   Abercrombie clothes are NOT meant to be worn by fat people, Just sayin'

   FOX News is reporting that Obama is being questioned for killing Jobs

   so much cooler online!