Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feeling like a movie tonight....I think I'll watch Fast and Furious 6 and then maybe half of 7

   Not since the OJ chase has American been disappointed with a slow white bronco

   Addicts Anonymous. How may I help you?" "Can I speak to the cocaine councillor?" "Can you hold? He's on another line at the moment

   How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G...

   Yo mama is so fat even her pictures are heavy.

   Men: 99% of the women you will meet take antidepressants. Just accept the fact.

   I knew someone would have to do it but I didn't know it would be someone so famous! Amy Winehouse had to take her own life just so people on fbook would talk about something other than the weather! You all are to blame for this!!

   True fact of the day: On March 13, 1781 Uranus was discovered ........ ha ha Uranus

   I like my men, like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

   125 shot of nitrous is like a hot chick with STD's.... You know you wanna hit it but your afraid of the consequences!

   Girl scout cookies just came, no time for Facebook!

   I like how Facebook tells me I found these friends using their friend finder. um no I found these friends before I had hair on my balls back when I could have been rich had I thought of Facebook

   “When it Absowutewy, Positivewy has to be thewe ovewnight." ~ FuddEx

   Today I realised that I am spending too much time chatting... someone told me a really funny joke... and I almost said LOL instead of laughing!

   Happy first Sunday following the full moon that occurs on or following the Vernal Equinox!

   USA has confirmed the death of Osama Bin Laden. See what they're capable of when the Playstation Network is down?!

   If my bosses don't come through soon with an iPhone, iPod, iTouch, and iPad to elevate my job-based technology access, then I'll be giving them a spanking new iQuit.

   55 years ago tonight, Bela Lugosi died. He was the orignal Dracula, who thinks Bela from Twilight was named after him?

   "I lost my phone." "Where did you put it last?" "If I known where I put it last, I wouldn't be here saying I lost my phone, dumba$$

   Saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.