Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i remember when I was younger my mum used to give me 50p to go to the shop , I used to be able to get a couple cans of pop a hand full of ice lollies a magazine couple packs of stickers and some skittles....you just cant do it these days God damn CCTV!!

   reading Santa's Naughty Girls list...... Thank you Wikileaks

   never shout out "Fruit Cake" at a gay wedding. You never know who your gonna offend."

   Not the time to lose one's head. That's not the way to get ahead in life. It's a shame you arent't more headstrong. You'll never be the head of a major corporation.

   If I ever go on "Wheel of Fortune," I'm going to buy all the vowels, then give them to poor kids in Africa

   "Heads, shoulders, knees and toes..." - Jeffrey Dahmer's grocery list

   Just saw a man using a pay phone! In his defense, he seemed to be hallucinating and thought he was fighting a puma.

   You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic

   YOu know she's trained right IF when you roll up to the pump.....she jumps out and then pays for the gas

   During sex, you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles,,,,,, Wait, Who the heck runs 5 miles in 2 minutes???

   My chinese friend died last week. So Yung.

   I Get so Emotional when I'm peeling Onions..!

   If DR. Conrad Murray bends over to pick up his soap in his prisn shower he may get a real 'Thriller'.

   The World is a Circus and The Devil is it's Ring Leader.

   Obama has added a new amendment to our constitution by exec order: No taxation without representation...unless said representation doesn't pass every law Obama wants passed.

   Guys, when you say "you graduated from the school of hard knocks", we hear "dumb and poor..."

   My Beard wants to do cardio between your legs..

   Every Christmas I give my co-workers a card with a picture of my middle finger inside.

   Phil Collins "in the air tonight" is not the most popular song in Malasia

   Plot twist: The Patriots deflated balls to keep the game close.