Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your lawyer's, lawyer needs a lawyer. You know things must be bad.

   Guys, prove you're not a rapist by giving large sums of money to random women!

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again yesterday. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   I've never been in relationships. I prefer to call them 'momentary lapses in judgement'.

   Rumors: Well at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.

   Does anyone know the rule for when the cripple guy at your company dies who gets his parking spot?

   If Michael Sam beats his wife, will he get fired too. Equal Opportunity my ass.

   Sorry about all the jokes I've made that you didn't like. If it's any consolation,, they were free & someday I'll die......

   I got a lap dance from a midget stripper. I couldn't refuse the deal. It was half off.

   Vegitarian is a native American name for Bad hunter. . .

   My friend has to pay for sex ... he is buy-sexual.

   As is evidenced by the primaries, Americans are either dumb or dumber

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they aren't really true Trump supporters.

   I bet men with "Chest!cles" really hate singing ♪♫ "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."♪♫

   Getting drunk on a week night is kinda like bangin' a fat chick; no matter how much you enjoy it now, you'll regret it in the morning.

   Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was g@y

   Justin Bieber Charged With Criminal Assault of a limo driver! He commits a criminal assault every time he sings.

   Boycott Cheerios

   Does anyone know what these big patches of greenish shaggy stuff all over the ground is??? CREEPY!

   How many Smurfs have to die for the liquid in a porta-potty?