Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Periods. That one week where women have something to blame for being crazy. 
We cannot allow gays to get married, it would threaten the sanctity of our high divorce rate.
"Hand wash only" clothing in a man's closet stands for "wear 3 times and then throw away."
I hate when your p issing at someone's house and your p iss comes out in 2 streams: one in the toilet and one on the seat...
Tonight on Glenn Beck. Osama was killed on 5/1, exactly 66 years to the day after Hitler. if you add 5+1 you get 6. 66 years later on 5/1 (6) you get, now stay with me, 666. Osama was the anti-christ, tonight on Glenn Beck.
radios in car wasn't tell the 50s numbnuts
Food for thought Guys: If you teabag someone that is allergic to nuts, is that considered attempted murder
if you havin kony problems I feel bad for you son, he snatched 99 children and your post saved none.
After she loses the presidency, maybe on Hillary's next trip to the Middle East someone there will chop her head off. . .
Because of Facebook, I paid my internet bill early.
The only thing that stops a bad actor with a gun is a good actor with a gun.
If Hillary won we would be under Sharia law. Bacon would be outlawed
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak man all day. Wearing a backpack & a turtleneck is lke being strangled by a weak man as a dwarf tries to pull you down.
"Eating habits? You wanna know my eating habits? Well everytime I have to take a sh!t it's an emergency, hows that?"
..i bought a pair of shoes called "Dyke". It has an extra large tongue and it gets off with just one finger.
What happens in an exam : Tik tok , Mind block , Pen stop , Eye pop , Full shock , Jaw drop , Time up , No Luck
The Mayan calendar says the world is going to end in 2012. That's why I refer to my Ziggy calendar instead.
the yanks crashed out of the world cup coz they weren't allowed to use their hands...
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me 