Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low

   I would like to take this moment to thank Jason Stathem for making male-pattern baldness look badass.

   Periods. That one week where women have something to blame for being crazy.

   We cannot allow gays to get married, it would threaten the sanctity of our high divorce rate.

   "Hand wash only" clothing in a man's closet stands for "wear 3 times and then throw away."

   I hate when your p issing at someone's house and your p iss comes out in 2 streams: one in the toilet and one on the seat...

   Tonight on Glenn Beck. Osama was killed on 5/1, exactly 66 years to the day after Hitler. if you add 5+1 you get 6. 66 years later on 5/1 (6) you get, now stay with me, 666. Osama was the anti-christ, tonight on Glenn Beck.

   radios in car wasn't tell the 50s numbnuts

   Food for thought Guys: If you teabag someone that is allergic to nuts, is that considered attempted murder

   if you havin kony problems I feel bad for you son, he snatched 99 children and your post saved none.

   After she loses the presidency, maybe on Hillary's next trip to the Middle East someone there will chop her head off. . .

   Because of Facebook, I paid my internet bill early.

   The only thing that stops a bad actor with a gun is a good actor with a gun.

   If Hillary won we would be under Sharia law. Bacon would be outlawed

   the yanks crashed out of the world cup coz they weren't allowed to use their hands...

   Just tried to wake my wife up, by throwing skittles at her... yelling, Wake Up, and taste the rainbow.

   "Did you hear that" - Hellen Keller

   Skipping the new Jackass movie - already saw Christine O'Donnell debate this week.

   The Mayan calendar says the world is going to end in 2012. That's why I refer to my Ziggy calendar instead.

   Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak man all day. Wearing a backpack & a turtleneck is lke being strangled by a weak man as a dwarf tries to pull you down.