Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coworker: How was your Christmas? Me: Fine Coworker: Aren't you gonna ask about mine? Me: Hell no!

   No matter how busy you get, never forget the importance of family

   Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Well I still think it's cool he was the first man to ride a bike on the moon!

   Just call him "Pollard the Patriot killer"

   I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

   Throw a boomerang so far you forget about it, years later it hits you in the head at a fancy dinner party.

   So we're supposed to get up to 8 inches tonight? I've been promising my wife that for years ツ

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low

   I would like to take this moment to thank Jason Stathem for making male-pattern baldness look badass.

   Periods. That one week where women have something to blame for being crazy.

   We cannot allow gays to get married, it would threaten the sanctity of our high divorce rate.

   "Hand wash only" clothing in a man's closet stands for "wear 3 times and then throw away."

   I hate when your p issing at someone's house and your p iss comes out in 2 streams: one in the toilet and one on the seat...

   Tonight on Glenn Beck. Osama was killed on 5/1, exactly 66 years to the day after Hitler. if you add 5+1 you get 6. 66 years later on 5/1 (6) you get, now stay with me, 666. Osama was the anti-christ, tonight on Glenn Beck.

   radios in car wasn't tell the 50s numbnuts

   Food for thought Guys: If you teabag someone that is allergic to nuts, is that considered attempted murder

   if you havin kony problems I feel bad for you son, he snatched 99 children and your post saved none.

   After she loses the presidency, maybe on Hillary's next trip to the Middle East someone there will chop her head off. . .

   Because of Facebook, I paid my internet bill early.

   The only thing that stops a bad actor with a gun is a good actor with a gun.