Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us.

   Nothing says Happy Father's Day like waking up next to a stripper and wondering if she actually has a father to celebrate the day.

   When asked by reporters what he had planned to do on his wedding, Heff said he planned to watch a movie, runaway bride because it seemed appropriate.Really? I guess so. I would have thought A Weekend at Bernie's or Cocoon. :P .

   Tonight on Glenn Beck. Osama was killed on 5/1, exactly 66 years to the day after Hitler. if you add 5+1 you get 6. 66 years later on 5/1 (6) you get, now stay with me, 666. Osama was the anti-christ, tonight on Glenn Beck.

   radios in car wasn't tell the 50s numbnuts

   Food for thought Guys: If you teabag someone that is allergic to nuts, is that considered attempted murder

   I Changed Siri to a male voice,, and now I can't get directions and most of the answers are wrong.

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. Everyone knows you are just doing it for attention and everyone knows you will be back.

   Gas prices are so high I just saw 12 Mexicans on one skateboard!

   if you havin kony problems I feel bad for you son, he snatched 99 children and your post saved none.

   I hate when your p issing at someone's house and your p iss comes out in 2 streams: one in the toilet and one on the seat...

   the yanks crashed out of the world cup coz they weren't allowed to use their hands...

   Just tried to wake my wife up, by throwing skittles at her... yelling, Wake Up, and taste the rainbow.

   "Did you hear that" - Hellen Keller

   Skipping the new Jackass movie - already saw Christine O'Donnell debate this week.

   The Mayan calendar says the world is going to end in 2012. That's why I refer to my Ziggy calendar instead.

   Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak man all day. Wearing a backpack & a turtleneck is lke being strangled by a weak man as a dwarf tries to pull you down.

   "Eating habits? You wanna know my eating habits? Well everytime I have to take a sh!t it's an emergency, hows that?"

   ..i bought a pair of shoes called "Dyke". It has an extra large tongue and it gets off with just one finger.

   Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.