Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever started the tradition to wear bright hideous Hawaiian shirts on "casual fridays" needs to be punch in the throat.

   downhill. Because thats how I roll!

   "ur cute when ur mad"...... "well immabout to get real adorable"

   My friend is having a baby so I went to birthing class with her, and woohoo! I now know how to wrap a doll in a burrito

   once I get a grip on reality I plan on choking it to death...

   Jersey Shore is on tonight? I guess I need to figure out how to get these Valtrex into my DirecTV box then.

   A study reported that iPhone users have more sex. Most likely cause is that there's an app for that.

   are the mosquitos bad.....are the mosquitos BAD ?!?... last night I saw two on my patio with Drinks in their hand "huffing" deep woods off .... while one said to the other " dude...you catch a buzz yet"..... yes they're that bad

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for 35 million. Now looks like the ideal time to sell my dusty old CD towers for 9 million dollars.

   been spending most my life living in a Gansta's Paradise...

   I get the feeling that the fat acceptance movement is more about acceptance than it is about movement.

   To the lady who ready my palm at the county fair in the summer of '99. The one who told me I would be married, have two kids, and own a business when I got older. I wish my divorced $7.76/hr ass could talk to you again!!

   Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.

   In the eyes of most women, every man is born a Defendant.

   when I was younger my mum would always give me my food by saying "there's a train coming, there's a train coming" with the spoon. I always ate it as I was afaid if not she wouldnt untie me from the railway lines!

   I never feel as much panic as I do when the cashier asks me if I have their member card yet.

   You know what infuriates me? Trying to grab the end of masking tape with my half chewed fingernails, after it has reattached itself to it's body. You know what infuriates me even more? Watching someone else do it.

   I talk to myself because my teenager wont talk to me

   ‎'Valentines day is soo over hyped...'-Every single person...:P

   I wonder if Hugh Hefners new fiancé bought him a bag of prunes and a wheel chair for Valentine's day?