Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything happens for a reason, live it, love it, learn from it! Make your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile :)

   wondering ... Have you ever been at work, when a genital piercing has become a semi-medical emergency; only leading to having your girlfriend come and help you remove it with a dremel tool and bolt cutters? No? Me neither ...

   Does anyone else think "Global warming" is just wordplay and code for "The Human Infestation Problem"

   Thanks to the ac its so cold in my office that even the girls in my nudy calendar are getting T.H.O's

   Microsoft To Buy Skype For $8.5 Billion. goodbye to my camwhoring career ? :'(

   i know they might be comfortable... and hi-tech.. but those running shoes with the individual toes.. really freak me out. and it just makes me wanna kick their ass!

   this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!

   Looks arent everything, but you cant wank over a personality!

   When I grew up I cussed so much that for a while I thought that soap was actually one of the four food groups

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the boarder! 

   people keep saying I'm not " with it and keep living in the past " screw them I'm off to play on my commodore 64 while I eat a marathon bar

   Alicia Silverstone named her son Bear Blue? I wonder if she would have liked it if her mother named her Racoon Red? WTF is wrong with these celebs........

   In the eyes of most women, every man is born a Defendant.

   Love is a sacred thing meant just for two. But there's always that one slut who doesn't know how to count.

   If ur freaky and you know clap ur hands (clap clap) if ur freaky and ya know it clap ur hands (clap clap) if ur freaky and ya know it and ya really wanna show it, pull ur pants down to the floor and do a dance!!!! Yay!!!!

   I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.

   it me or has anyone else noticed that when you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to go to the bathroom, you are always somewhere where there are no bathrooms around

   "I'm wrong, your Right, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again"..... Easiest way to solve an argument with the wife

   Why yes Officer...I did see the speed limit sign...I just didn't see your car...

   Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?