Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember to leave a Budweiser and a rifle out under you America tree tonight for Kid Rock or he won't leave you any fireworks

   Merck Pharma, Intel & Under Armour's CEOs all walked away from Trump after the Charlottesville incident? What the heck is going on?

   Ate lunch at Cracker Barrel today. I didn't see any barrels but I did see a lot of Crackers!!

   Does chewing on a slipper while having sex count as 'doggy style'?

   Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.

   If you make eye contact with yourself while brushing your teeth in the mirror you have to swallow.

   Please stop trying to trick me into a conversation

   I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

   Given today's gas prices, Ludacris should consider finding hoeZ in the same area code.

   Christmas and St. Paddy's Day are the busy season for midgets.

   Hm, the light changed green but we're not moving. Sure hope an idiot didn't slip through the cracks somehow and obtain a license!

   Settling in for the night with a glass of orange juice and the Dukes of Hazzard.

   The day before the annual Gregorian calendar re-set. Here's where I get all sappy and tell my pals how much they rock. You guys are the best. Happy New Year!

   hopes everyone had a great night, got drunk and woke up wearing someone else's underpants. Happy 2012!

   I look forward to the day I get to complain to my grandkids about how when I was growing up we didn't have 3D porn.

   Maybe my microwave is leaking radiation, but I could swear Orville Redenbacher just asked me if I can keep a secret from my mommy and daddy.

   Going where the cool people are... Outside!!

   How cool would it be to be rich enough to own a falcon? I think there's a difference between being rich, and then there's owning a falcon rich....:)

   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

   Women cheat on men more often when they're ovulating. Men cheat on women more often when they're drunkulating.