Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It usually goes like this. 1: wreck myself. 2: check myself

   Police officers say anything you say will be taken down and make be used as evidence .. your answer should always be please officer don't hit me again

   A verbal agreement is not worth the paper it's printed on.

   If everyday is a gift then today was socks...

   My legs have decided to take part in 'no shave November'... By the looks of things they started in September.

   My mother in-law is letting me renovate her kitchen. My wife told me to get the cupboards from that Scandinavian company with the short name. Turns out it was IKEA not LEGO,

   I'm a keeper...of bees.

   What's the big deal about same s3x marriage? My wife and I have been married 20 years and it's always the same s3x.

   I am a firm believer in when one door closes, another one opens. Yep, I believe in ghosts...

   I have ADHD so bad that I should probably never throw a boomerang.

   Paid all my bills tonight and I'm still hood rich. Lol Going to by me a gum ball in the morning. Woowhoo

   It is a different kind of quiet when you go from talking to someone everyday to nothing, even if they live in another city.....

   Where are you going on Thanksgiving? Also, where do you keep your valuables?

   People say I'm too condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   I met a nice, down to Earth woman. After a few minutes of random conversation, I casually remarked, "I'll bet anything that you're not at all materialistic." She said, "I hate sewing, so no."

   Now I ain't saying she's a golddigger, but the spelunking helmet and metal shavings on her work gloves certainly suggest she might be

   Dinosaurs deserved it.

   My safe word is Obamacare.

   In honor of Earth Day, McDonalds will now start making their food biodegradable!

   "Happy Earth Day! Our planet looks pretty good for only being 6,000 years old!" - Ken Ham.