Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   85% of men don't understand Women & the balance 15% suffer from short-term memory loss!

   Ladies don't call a guy you are not romantically interested encouraging things like "babe", "love" or "hun". This is will only give the poor sods false hope.

   I saw a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.

   It's just a rough patch. ~ my entire life apparently

   James Watson, the scientist that discovered the DNA double helix, believes that "stupidity" is a genetic condition that can be cured. So chin up, buttercup. There is hope for you yet!

   Was watching the Katy Perry Halftime Show and a tribute to Owen Hart broke out...

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than your call.

   I'd tell you to go to Hell, but that just means I'd have to see you again.

   Between Bruce Jenner and the Kardashians, they should all be court ordered to go to driving school.

   The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea & stomach pains. A kind of feeling that a husband gets when he sees his wife going through his phone ..

   I thank God for my daughter every day. How else would I know I'm "So stupid".

   It's Earth Day. I love the earth. There is something about the Earth that makes me constantly gravitate towards it.

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew.

   Email, n.: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

   You're so fabulous, I'm pretty sure you sh*t glitter.

   When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"

   Me: "Do you want to go out” Her: "Like on a date?" Me: "No...out on a bridge so I can push you off!"

   Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?" Me: "Why? What've you got?"

   According to his wife, Rolf Harris has been painting since the day of his arrest - his cell is going to look lovely! Hope you rot in hell Rolf...

   Maybe cops who plant evidence just really love gardening.