Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After all these episodes of "I survived" & "I shouldnt be alive"... why doesnt anyone keep any damn snacks in their pockets!

   There is an official UN appointee for First Contact should aliens arrive. I can't believe I didn't get that job.

   seriously, if your a guy and a friend of mine and I catch you wearing a European shoulder bag, I will slap you silly! You can thank me when you get out of that dress!

   They didn't break the mold after me, they just chained it up.

   I think It's funny that my mom has figured out how to tag me in pics he upload to Facebook but the clock on his VCR has been wrong since 1987.

   I thought I saw a two headed turtle once, but it turned out he was just having a sh!.

   Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

   Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

   hopes he made no one uncomfortable while staring at their stats...

   learned not to leave the KY next to the Preparation H on the bedside table. When they say it shrinks the swelling...they AREN'T kidding!! Talk about a buzzkill!

   Once in a while, engage in random acts of kindness. It scares the hell out of your enemies!

   messing with the new intern's mind and telling her to go pretend to water the fake plants...

   So if the Mayans are right, does that mean this is the last Christmas to be visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future?

   If a real fat man grabs you & throws you in a bag don't panic it's just santa collecting his ho's. I'm updating this in the bag. Bring alcohol!

   My South Beach diet says no alcohol: I figure it like this wine is made from fruit, brandy is distilled wine, Gin is made from juniper berries and beer and whiskey are also made out of wholesome grains. Got to be healthy, bottoms up!

   I have two Italian grandmothers..I am impervious to guilt.

   2.I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.

   I often wonder if the passive-aggressive Facebook status updates of others are aimed at me.

   Dear FB users, quit using lower case i's and quit putting them right in front (with no space) of the next consonant....it's not cute anymore.

   I'll make you swallow your pride!!