Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me people need a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the rest of the world is up

   His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

   Today: Consumer Reports cannot recommend iPhone 4. Tomorrow: Everyone at Consumer Reports found dead.

   procrastination is when people say goodnight to facebook.

   so as I am leaving to go to work I go to unlock the door to leave...I can feel heat radiating from the door from the outside..I have always been told that if you feel heat you should not open the door....so I guess I should turn around go back to bed I sh

   If you wouldn't wear your GF shirt that has rhinestones and glitter, why would it be ok to wear one that has some other guys name on it that reads Ed Hardy?

   planning a night he'll NEVER remember!

   hopes he made no one uncomfortable while staring at their stats...

   learned not to leave the KY next to the Preparation H on the bedside table. When they say it shrinks the swelling...they AREN'T kidding!! Talk about a buzzkill!

   Once in a while, engage in random acts of kindness. It scares the hell out of your enemies!

   messing with the new intern's mind and telling her to go pretend to water the fake plants...

   I'll make you swallow your pride!!

   The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

   fc%ed up like a screen door on a submarine..

   Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.

   Hey did everyone hear that Jeff reed tried to commit suicide? Pretty sad huh? Yeah... He tried to kick the stool out from under himself and missed...LOL!!

   TSA reports an huge increase in job applications submitted to the Miami office.

   The future of TSA, ma'am bend over, spread your cheeks, cough!

   My vacuum cleaner bag says to change every 30-60 days. Here, I always thought it was 30-60lbs...

   Mother Nature is blowing everyone tonight.