Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me people need a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the rest of the world is up

   His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

   Today: Consumer Reports cannot recommend iPhone 4. Tomorrow: Everyone at Consumer Reports found dead.

   procrastination is when people say goodnight to facebook.

   so as I am leaving to go to work I go to unlock the door to leave...I can feel heat radiating from the door from the outside..I have always been told that if you feel heat you should not open the door....so I guess I should turn around go back to bed I sh

   If you wouldn't wear your GF shirt that has rhinestones and glitter, why would it be ok to wear one that has some other guys name on it that reads Ed Hardy?

   planning a night he'll NEVER remember!

   I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out. Now what kind of sick person would do that?

   Ecclesiastes assures us... that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh... and a time to weep. A time to mourn... and there is a time to dance.

   After all these episodes of "I survived" & "I shouldnt be alive"... why doesnt anyone keep any damn snacks in their pockets!

   There is an official UN appointee for First Contact should aliens arrive. I can't believe I didn't get that job.

   seriously, if your a guy and a friend of mine and I catch you wearing a European shoulder bag, I will slap you silly! You can thank me when you get out of that dress!

   They didn't break the mold after me, they just chained it up.

   I think It's funny that my mom has figured out how to tag me in pics he upload to Facebook but the clock on his VCR has been wrong since 1987.

   I thought I saw a two headed turtle once, but it turned out he was just having a sh!.

   Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

   Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

   hopes he made no one uncomfortable while staring at their stats...

   learned not to leave the KY next to the Preparation H on the bedside table. When they say it shrinks the swelling...they AREN'T kidding!! Talk about a buzzkill!

   Once in a while, engage in random acts of kindness. It scares the hell out of your enemies!