Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think It's funny that my mom has figured out how to tag me in pics he upload to Facebook but the clock on his VCR has been wrong since 1987.

   I thought I saw a two headed turtle once, but it turned out he was just having a sh!.

   Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

   Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

   My parents were very patriotic disciplinarians: they laid stripes and I saw stars.

   found out they sell Universal Remotes at Wal*Mart... I cant believe power like that is available to just anyone! Crazy!

   I fell out of my chair. This might take a while!

   I almost forgot that I had cheated on my diet Then I found that darned crumb in my bra.

   I no longer fear hell -- I've worked in Retail.

   She didn't make me pay before she gave me service........... So I paid her in Trident Layers.........

   Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing....

   Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

   coming out of the closet. I was playing hide & seek.

   All these years I thought cuddling meant holding her head while she bows you.

   Just got home and found all the doors and windows open everything gone! What kind of person does that to someones Advent calender?

   I have this great midnight snack it's called, what do I think my roommate won't notice if I eat the edges off of

    If you thought your parents were strict, I was toilet trained at gunpoint.

   Humor is a great way to get a girl into your bed but handcuffs is the best way to keep her there.

   While chasing flies in my kitchen with a fly swatter, I have come to realise that some flies are more clever than some humans I know.

   Stay away from gangs, kids. You don't wanna end up playing a cop on TV.