Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After the Rapture, can I have your car?

   *Public Service Announcement: YOU CAN NOT find out who saw your profile! Jordan does NOT make high heels! YOU WILL NOT know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter! YOU WILL NOT see pics of Osama Bin Laden's dead body! There are NO free iPads!

   My phone used to say things like "3 missed calls" and now it says things like "nobody even thought about calling you."

   Don't think too much. You'll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.

   Mother Nature can be cruel sometimes. If I ever meet her I'm gonna snatch her purse. Old B*tch

   Bachelors degree made possible by adderall

   I just found out that the life insurance policy I put on Osama Bin Laden is invalid..... Damn!

   was preparing for Sunday, but I just realized that post-rapture looting makes no sense because so many of us will still be here. Particularly people in public office and law enforcement.... : (

   just heard Justin Bieber was in a car accident.... He is okay but he did break his hymen.

   Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

   I bet that in prison everyone's FB relationship status is set to "it's complicated".

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.

   I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet.

   I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.

   When I heard about Arnold, I immediately pictured Rosie from the Goonies!

   Dude chill, it's GYM, not the olympics

   If you see only one hilarious movie about wacky bridesmaids this week... make it “Thor.”

   heard Charlie Sheen's pissed now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the front runner for "Schmuck Of The Year" award!

   It's not a Toomah!!