Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cocaine so white, it quietly forms a single file line.

   *Sarah McLachlan holding me in her lap.... For just a few "likes" a day,,, You can help a poor guy that's starving for attention

   Shovels, aisle 7, check. Hatchets, aisle 10, check. Bags of lime, aisle 11, check. Now where is that alibis section....

   After I have sex with a cucumber my walk of shame is to the kitchen to rinse it off and put it back in the fridge.

   Your hate for Trump only give him more attention while your love for Bernie is forgotten

   Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else at the Trump rally.

   TYPES OF SALARIES... Which one is yours? 1. Onion salary . You grab it, you open it, you cry ... 2. Storm salary . You don't know when its coming and when it is going 3. Menstrual salary . It comes once a month and lasts for only 3 days 4. Magic salary .

   war doesn't determine who's right . . . war determines who's left . . .

   With our lousy credit rating, next time we wanna buy a tank, Canada is gonna have to cosign.

   After I bang a chick, I draw a “#” on the her lower back. I call it an #asstag.

   To all the single ladies out there who for some reason own a cat, please don't show up on your date covered in cat hair, its a huge turn off. Sincerely, every man in the world.

   saw some mexicans beatin some white guy with sticks in tge street. I yelled, hey, ...hey..thats a man, not a pinata..

   Back in 82 I was told to wait a cotton picking minute... I'm still waiting, how long is that exactly?

   I'm sorry, but any man who says his Wedding Day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA 12.

   Please , with all that is good in life ..shoove those lemons up your backside ??

   In case I die, please update my status as "no more copy and paste". My password is ********** Thanks

   someone ate half my black crayon, the built in box sharpener is jammed, I have checks to write, gonna be one of those days

   I Hate Fake people! Go back to China where you were made!

   Woman! Can't live with them, can't live with them.

   a lot of ppl tend to over react to the situation before even knowing the true story