Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day. Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.

   SCAM ALERT: If someone emails claiming to be your dad in heaven and needing $700 to pay a "be alive again fee".... t's a scammer not your dad.

   Christina what happen baby? It's like those fish nets caught a whale. Christina, when did you go from "genie in a bottle" to "pigs in a blanket"?

   One lesson that religion taught me is that it is important to pretend to be a nice person one day a week.

   ..is sleeping naked. I just wish that stewardess would go away. I don't care if there are children on this plane!

   wondering why noses run and feet smell?

   I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum...and I'm all out of gum

   Join the fight against high heating cost by supporting your local heating assistance program. Change your profile pic to a pic of your cold nipples and together we can stop the winter cold. The goal is to turn Facebook into all nipples by Dec 21st.

   Studies show that if you stare at woman's breasts for longer than 5 minutes...You are very likely to get a black eye.

   I hold my bottle of beer the same way as I hold my wife. By the neck.

   "Congratulations! You have won $250.00 dollars worth of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize,press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   Today, my president is black. Tomorrow, my president is orange. I guess orange really is the new black

   when my girlfriend says stop when having sex, thats when it's Hammer Time

   for some people religions are like farts. Yours is good, but everyone else's stinks.

   On the one hand I feel bad that Jeniffer Lawrence privacy was invaded, but on the other hand...well that hand is busy.

   Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him. "Okay who the hell unfollowed me?"

   promoting global warming.

   Advanced age my butt. The Pope is stepping down to take a job at the Boy Scouts because of the shortage of alter boys.

   My homeless Sign would be... "Why live in a 1 million dollar house, when you could live under a 30 million dollar bridge"

   I think Ninja is actually spelled Kninja but the "K" is not only silent, but you can't even see it because it's F'ing NINJA!