Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   's tip of the day: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.

   I like poking dead things with a stick...kicking my neighbors cat...and yelling at nuns walking down the street..."you working or walking?"...let's see that on E-Harmony.

   Kitchen Tip: Black currants resemble mouse turds but have a subtly different flavor... Substitute freely for turds in any recipe. *Martha Stuart Little*

   Miley Cyrus puts the Ho in hottie

   The quickest way to a woman's heart, is through her rib cage.

   People with really bad attitudes should move to Colorado and Be Happy And Worry!

   I've got 66 problems and one of them is that I'm upside down

   When life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

   "Dad what's an infinite loop?"..."Ask your mother."... "Mom what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your father."... "Dad what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your........

   I used to talk the talk and walk the walk until I met you; and now, I'm howling with the wolves like you.

   it just me or is Game of Thrones just a modern day Xena Princess Warrior?

   "Her blue eyed Summer time smile Looks so good that it hurts Makes you wanna build A 10 percent down White picket fence house on this dirt." FGL

   I like my women like I like my online forms, easy to submit.

   Cocaine so white, it quietly forms a single file line.

   *Sarah McLachlan holding me in her lap.... For just a few "likes" a day,,, You can help a poor guy that's starving for attention

   Shovels, aisle 7, check. Hatchets, aisle 10, check. Bags of lime, aisle 11, check. Now where is that alibis section....

   After I have sex with a cucumber my walk of shame is to the kitchen to rinse it off and put it back in the fridge.

   Your hate for Trump only give him more attention while your love for Bernie is forgotten

   Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else at the Trump rally.

   TYPES OF SALARIES... Which one is yours? 1. Onion salary . You grab it, you open it, you cry ... 2. Storm salary . You don't know when its coming and when it is going 3. Menstrual salary . It comes once a month and lasts for only 3 days 4. Magic salary .