Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Riding through the aisles of Walmart on a scooter from the toy section wearing some Cookie Monster Tighty Whities, rainbow striped thigh high socks, wearing a construction hat and screaming FREE WILLIE while knocking over everything in site until loss pre

   at the nail salon & a lady working there asked me something. I couldn't understand, so I asked my nail tech to tell her that. He turns and said to her, "She stupid, she no understand". thx a lot nail tech..no tip for you! ha

   Sometimes I just gotta take a ride on the Dude Train

   it takes six licks to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop! (with a slight crunch)

   every time I utilize paper towels regardless of the brand I always compare them to the quicker picker upper..

   ~ Telepath wanted...you know where to apply.

   puts the "fun" in dysfunctional

   All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.

   Ctrl + C ... Plagiarism Simplified

   The cops found a missing person with nappy hair, crusty feet, doo-doo stained undies, holding a Happy Meal bag. I'm worried SICK... are you okay?

   Wishing the King a happy 76th Birthday, where ever he is.....

   ladies only naked K-Y Twister tournament at my place tonight at 9pm.

   after hearing about the world coming to an end soon I feel that it is my duty to warn you all as friends that when the zombies are chasing....i will trip you !

   Follow what you Love, Learn what you Live, and eventually you will Live what you Love...

   Alabama maybe 49th in unenployment and 4th in crime but we are #1 in college football. Go SEC.

   Thinking about starting a 80s themed oatmeal delivery company.I`m leaning towards naming it Haulin` Oats.

   Wade: I just got your email...it says I'm fired...oh don't worry about that...I get unlimited emails..

   LOCAL CHICKEN FARMER HIRING STAFF FOR XMAS, $ 19.50 HR. I told them about your experience handling c*ck, you start Monday......

   I've created a Facebook group called "Threesome" and invited two girls. Now just waiting and see what happens..

   Whats the definition of Necrophelia? Its that irresistable urge to crack open a cold one.