Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women... Most of the time we don't get you anyway, so no need to be all covert with your weird sh*t. Just be weird and sexy.

   When she says, "No its fine, I'll just go by myself". That's pretty much the figure four leg lock of passive aggressive behavior.

   Music should come in 3 genres: music you fight to, music you f#@k to and music you speed to.

   I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.

   Do these yoga pants make me look like I want to have sex with you?

   Last night I kicked off my shoes, stripped down to my boxers and laid on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn. Enjoying the experience of the new home theater system. Apparently the Best Buy salesman wanted me to take it home and try it first.

   6 yrs now the dogs have forgotten fathers day...not even a hug..

   Sure, my glass is half full. But my beer is half empty

   If there is a parallel universe out their with another me who's my opposite. He got universe where the usb goes in the right way first time....I'm the other guy.

   The best part about having multiple personalities is that you're never alone.

   For you to insult me, I first have to acknowledge your existence.

   campfire]And that's when he realized... HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

   Dating 101: Let me buy you food and grab your booty

   I think I am safe if I commit a crime that goes to trial cause no way they'll find 12 people to sit on a jury as my peers

   Her wedding day means no more sucking, shaving or starving!

   Its no coincidence that my internet addiction started on the same day I got married.

   *stops to smell the roses* *steps in dog poop..

   ”I used to be the Internet!” – The Library

   Spice things up during family dinners this holiday season by slamming your wine glass down and demanding "What do you people want from me!?"

   Revenge is a dish best served on the dance floor.