Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there is a parallel universe out their with another me who's my opposite. He got universe where the usb goes in the right way first time....I'm the other guy.

   The best part about having multiple personalities is that you're never alone.

   For you to insult me, I first have to acknowledge your existence.

   campfire]And that's when he realized... HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

   Dating 101: Let me buy you food and grab your booty

   I think I am safe if I commit a crime that goes to trial cause no way they'll find 12 people to sit on a jury as my peers

   Her wedding day means no more sucking, shaving or starving!

   Its no coincidence that my internet addiction started on the same day I got married.

   *stops to smell the roses* *steps in dog poop..

   ”I used to be the Internet!” – The Library

   Spice things up during family dinners this holiday season by slamming your wine glass down and demanding "What do you people want from me!?"

   Revenge is a dish best served on the dance floor.

   I'm glad that Christmas is over so I don't have to see that no talent ass clown who became famous and started winning Grammys on Honda commercials anymore!

   There's no crying in Vodka

   Highway slumber party tonight in Atlanta, free urinal and feces bucket..

   First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.

   When I was growing up we didn't have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear.

   I'm regreterosexual.

   I lost my "Shweaty balls" recipe. I'm sure I'll find it after I go to the gym tomorrow.

   church is the weirdest place ever, they form a choir and then force everyone in the congregation to sing.