Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the proud sponsor of this "I don't give a f**k" expression I currently have whilst you complain about everything!

   The one time I wish my phone would cut off a day before Valentine's Day, Sprint decides to call me and give me an extra 7 days to make a payment..........(-_-)yeesh

   APPY MARDI GRAS! May your every slice of King cake have a little bitty baby in it, may your good times roll and may your parade be never ending. Now where are my beads???

   Yes girl, you are all that AND a bad case of V.D. get over yourself!

   You do. And you know that you do. So Stop acting like you don't. Because you do.

   I never understood what liking large asses had to do with being fallacious, but who am I to question the genius of a knighted rapper.

   Guys note: When a woman offers to help you paint your bedroom ceiling, she means butterflies and flowers using Dutch Boy and a brush.

   Some people are jus born awesome.

   Say a prayer for Sparky, I just ate Taco Bell.

   Some call it love, I call it vodka.

   "Honesty is still the best policy, but with a little bit of common sense"...

   Enough with the chit chat.. its time to hit that

   I'm white, but I'm not "Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air" white.

   Arrested again? Let me search old Chris Brown jokes to insert here....

   I think I was born during the wrong time in history. I woulda been hot as a cavewoman.

   Did't have time to hit the gym today. That'll be.. let me see.. 6 years in a row.

   I thought I would try out that glow in the dark trunk latch release in my car. So, is anyone available to come by my place and let me out of my trunk?

   People that think they know you better than you know yourself, is the reason why throat punching was invented

   If anyone could witness the chaos of my kids getting ready for school, we'd see a decline in pregnancies.

   Pro tip: Let women know ahead of time how bad you are in bed by overusing the word "awesome"