Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the best parties is the ones you dont remember

   My neighbors always listen to deep-throat movies with the volume cranked up all the way...whether they want to or not !!

   A good plan tonight is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. So get her buzzed before the club lights come on & she gets a good look at you.

   I can think of 14 tweets about cat buttholes but I don't want you to think I'm insane or anything.

   Laughter burns calories.

   this is the earliest I've ever been late...

   I lose interest in books and movies that take place in the past because, hello, I know I turn out just fine.

   PSA: Red Bull does NOT give you actual wings. It gives you the false sense of wings. I learned this the hard way today. Luckily the frozen ground broke my fall.

   the proud sponsor of this "I don't give a f**k" expression I currently have whilst you complain about everything!

   The one time I wish my phone would cut off a day before Valentine's Day, Sprint decides to call me and give me an extra 7 days to make a payment..........(-_-)yeesh

   APPY MARDI GRAS! May your every slice of King cake have a little bitty baby in it, may your good times roll and may your parade be never ending. Now where are my beads???

   Yes girl, you are all that AND a bad case of V.D. get over yourself!

   You do. And you know that you do. So Stop acting like you don't. Because you do.

   I never understood what liking large asses had to do with being fallacious, but who am I to question the genius of a knighted rapper.

   Guys note: When a woman offers to help you paint your bedroom ceiling, she means butterflies and flowers using Dutch Boy and a brush.

   Some people are jus born awesome.

   Say a prayer for Sparky, I just ate Taco Bell.

   Some call it love, I call it vodka.

   "Honesty is still the best policy, but with a little bit of common sense"...

   Enough with the chit chat.. its time to hit that