Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What could be worse than being a "people of walmart?" Getting busted taking a picture of one. Damn flash!

   Not to doubt the power of fortune cookies, but I think a better fortune would of been you are about to choke on this cookie

   If it's worth it, fight for it & if you lose it, at least you tried.

   The Guinness in the refrigerator is calling my name with a drunken slur.

   the guy changing my oil this morning said he had earrings just like mine. LOL

   Driving school wouldn't be so bad if cops started giving tickets to all the hot girls they pull over.

   Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

   thinking of exercising with this NY Detox but, I think I get enough of that by fighting sleep, jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running ragged, dodging responsibilty and pushing my luck.

   Happy National Nothing Day!

   I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me...

   Ilistening to country music and reminiscing about all of the bad things. . . all of the sad things that never happened to me.

   used to have a machete, but times have changed

   No I don't need new shoes, I just want them!

   After hearing someone just ramble on and on on the phone or in person, don't you just wish they would become verbally impotent?

   players never die, they just try their luck at a different table

   no Proctologist, but I know an a$$hole when I see one.

   Its amazing how many of Darwin's biggest obstacles are allowed the privelage to drive on our roadways in this day in age.

   I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom took away his WII, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own a$$

   not sure we're using this internet thingy properly. He just Googled 'Partridge Family Theme Song Lyrics' and got 97,000 pages that had them. Seriously? He thinks one page is quite enough. Maybe 2, for a backup in case one goes down.

   I had a hard time believing a movie called Furry Vegeance was a family movie...I thought it was a movie about a woman scorned.....boy was I wrong!