Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

   OK ...... Somebody wake up the guy from Green Day ..... September just ended .....

   A coworker stopped by to inform me she had lost 30 pounds. As I watched her walk away I realize I had just found the 30 pounds.

   Let's see ...... Trump or Hillary .... After plenty of thought ..... I'm still voting for Pedro ..... After all .... He promises that all of my wildest dreams will come true!!!

   I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."

   Well, Dwayne Johnson has COVID. Coronavirus really hit Rock Bottom.

   Men must have ex 22 times a month in order to not be a risk of prostate problems

   Twisted Tea is the new Can of Whoop-ass.

   When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

   It snowed in Texas for the first time ever. That's cold.

   My wife is so fat that she keeps walking into things....... Like Mc. Donald's Dunkin Donuts Dairy Queen etc etc etc

   My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.

   To the person who stole my diet pills, you have nothing to gain.

   [at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?

   Having a bad day?? You could be a siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and your the only one with an ass!

   I can't believe that Ariana and Pete broke up! And also that worldwide climate catastrophe is imminent!

   There's a further south than South America?

   Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   If anybody knows any lonely old people preparing to eat Christmas dinner alone? Please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs!

   Once again those were not booes. They were alternative cheers.