Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Question: Is military coup an option for the 2016 US presidential election?

   If Peter Parker's occupation isn't as a web designer in the new Spider-Man movie I officially give up....

   Bill O'Reilly has a good point. I mean, without slavery, some of those people could have ended working for a monster like Bill O'Reilly.

   Spoiler Alert!!! If you're reading this, you're a huge part of the problem.

   Did you know that women named Laverne can give you a blow job with or without teeth.

   Finally joined Tinder 'cause I've always wanted to date a white girl named Jazz.

   [Ship Sinking] Captain:We're short on boats, so women & children first... *Guy rubs chin *coughs* I identify as a woman.... Men echo:I'm a woman too!

   It's not called looting under this administration. . .we are calling it revenge shopping

   My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

   OK ...... Somebody wake up the guy from Green Day ..... September just ended .....

   A coworker stopped by to inform me she had lost 30 pounds. As I watched her walk away I realize I had just found the 30 pounds.

   Let's see ...... Trump or Hillary .... After plenty of thought ..... I'm still voting for Pedro ..... After all .... He promises that all of my wildest dreams will come true!!!

   I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."

   Well, Dwayne Johnson has COVID. Coronavirus really hit Rock Bottom.

   Men must have ex 22 times a month in order to not be a risk of prostate problems

   Twisted Tea is the new Can of Whoop-ass.

   When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

   It snowed in Texas for the first time ever. That's cold.

   My wife is so fat that she keeps walking into things....... Like Mc. Donald's Dunkin Donuts Dairy Queen etc etc etc

   My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.