Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me watching the olympics making me feel fat

   My dream girl would be my worst nightmare.

   I like women, but not twitter women. (they have pen!ses)

   My new puppy is acting like all my ex's. She just sits by the door whining to be let out.

   They ignore you now, but they'll need you later.

   It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.

   When they cut up carrots for frozen mixed vegetables,they get all these perfect squares.What do they do with the curved part?I spent the better part of a night trying to reconstruct one from the bag and there were no pointy ends either.

   The first person who offers to tell you about the facts of life usually doesn't have a clue...

   wants to be the very best, like no-one ever was

   The only way I could get any lazier right now would be to die.

   If your feeling like Charlie Sheen, go and brush your shoulders off

   Proposed her indirectly,but she rejected directly!!!!

   wish I can do , what CAL LIGHTMAN can ;-)

   a voice in his head. I ask it yes and no questions, and it answers

   Acute Gout Attack!! - The Vegetarian's Revenge!

   used to have a machete, but times have changed

   No I don't need new shoes, I just want them!

   After hearing someone just ramble on and on on the phone or in person, don't you just wish they would become verbally impotent?

   players never die, they just try their luck at a different table

   no Proctologist, but I know an a$$hole when I see one.