Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In hell, for your birthday, they give you socks in a PS4 box.

   Freedom is not free. It costs a lot of freedom.

   Life is too short to be a basketball player

   My objective is to die young...as late in life as possible...

   I'm not agoraphobically antisocial. I just refuse to leave my house and talk to stupid people.

   I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse when most of you won't even stand up to a spider.

   anyone else watching this verbal pay-per-view match? the folks on tv call it a "debate"

   That's the third time I've showered with socks on....

   Boss: what the hell is wrong with you? Me: one time I listened to a Bruno Mars song.

   The two greatest feelings in the world are the birth of a child and peace of mind of not having any kids.

   Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

   For me the end of the world was when I had to start working for a living.

   A huge part of success involves getting rid of people that drain your energy and surround yourself with positivity.

   So TD Bank is marketing 'free pens' as a way to attract new clients......what!?!? no chained pens? Will see how long that will last when school starts.

   I will dance with the devil, but I will always take the lead.

   Somewhere, Joe Rogan's date is texting while he talks about supplements

   The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.

   Kanye pulling a fast one on all of us and naming his son Rick

   Those Tesco burgers containing horse meat is nothing, my daughter bought something from there that contained traces of sh*t.

   CSI never ceases to amaze me. They are inside and they look all around with flashlights...flick a light on. Now I'm watching and they are outside in broad daylight using their flashlights looking at a puddle of blood.