Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife announced that she was leaving me because of my obsession with baking. I said, "there's no knead for that cupcake..."

   I am having so much fun and enjoying my life right now that I would be really pissed if I were to die.

   The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is going to be born prematurely. Like father, like son.

   Time to start pro-caffeinating before I start procrastinating for the day.

   Fellas; Sometimes women say they're fine because they know that's all you really want to hear.

   I would have gotten a lot more back on my taxes if I could claim co-dependents.

   Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptise a cat.

   "Smells like a Storms a brewin' Jack!" Ohh God ive been watchin too much Duck Dynasty!

   In hell, for your birthday, they give you socks in a PS4 box.

   Freedom is not free. It costs a lot of freedom.

   Life is too short to be a basketball player

   My objective is to die young...as late in life as possible...

   I'm not agoraphobically antisocial. I just refuse to leave my house and talk to stupid people.

   I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse when most of you won't even stand up to a spider.

   anyone else watching this verbal pay-per-view match? the folks on tv call it a "debate"

   That's the third time I've showered with socks on....

   Boss: what the hell is wrong with you? Me: one time I listened to a Bruno Mars song.

   The two greatest feelings in the world are the birth of a child and peace of mind of not having any kids.

   Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

   For me the end of the world was when I had to start working for a living.