Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think that gal Flo from the progressive insurance commercials is hot! The same goes for Dee Dee Doodle that smoking hot purple gal with the pink hair and big hands on doodlebops! Yea this abstinance thing I am on is working out great???!!!!

   why do people say things regarding you, without mentioning you, and pretending it has nothing to do with you

   When trying on pants, even the most vile curse words very rarely make the pants change their mind and fit comfortably.

   Ashton Kutcher to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Remaining cast and crew already planning their own "Torpedo of Truth" tour.

   Wife asked me what I wanted for Valentines, I pointed to my head and asked her to read my mind... That was the last thing I remember before I woke up on the floor... She is good!!

   I have spent the past 3 hours laying in my front yard, filling my belly button with water, and letting the birds use it as a bath.

   I tried bleaching my as shole but all he did was complain the whole time. "Are you insane?!" "I want a divorce!" Blah Blah.

   still can't smell what The Rock is cooking

   I'm a nice person really.....at least I smile when I tell you to F&*k off! :))

   The only decisions I like to make are at the liquor store.

   They should throw a soccer ball to the pope to juggle so we can be sure be's Argentine

   My wife announced that she was leaving me because of my obsession with baking. I said, "there's no knead for that cupcake..."

   I am having so much fun and enjoying my life right now that I would be really pissed if I were to die.

   The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is going to be born prematurely. Like father, like son.

   Time to start pro-caffeinating before I start procrastinating for the day.

   I hope my kids never ask to me to explain why Simpsons p0rn exists.

   my moral compass is whichever direction my d ick points

   I want my 15 mins of fame to happen in the bedroom.

   The best thing about Youtube videos is when they have managed to keep the good VHS quality.

   Star Wars 7 will be coming out now. I think this is gonna be the one where Pee Wee trys to steal his bike back from Ernest