Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm tired of Duck Dynasty and their fowl language!

   My left nipple is 3 minutes slower than my right at hardening.

   The sign at this Burger King bathroom says employees must wash hands. I've been waiting for them to come wash my hands for an hour. Nothing.

   Married people have 6 priorities: 1) Convince yourself you're happy. 2) Convince spouse you're happy. 3) Convince friends you're happy. 4) Convince workmates you’re happy 5) Convince relatives you’re happy 6) Convince neighbors you’re happy

   Electrolux - Teaching women their place for over 50 years

   I bought an anti bullying wrist band today...I say bought I actually stole it of a fat ginger kid

   Did anyone else see Gary Busey get married this morning?

   My neighbor must have not paid her internet bill. I can't get on the internet.

   Just saw a holstein on a church lawn....holy cow!

   When the angels ask what I loved most about life, I'll say you.

   I hate when I sleep on my arm by accident, and waking up in the middle of the night not being able to feel it

   Lawyer to Mickey: Sorry Mickey I can't divorce you from Minnie because she has big teeth.......Mickey to Lawyer: Sir, That's not what I meant when I said she was f*cking Goofy!!

   Weather you want to face it or not heaven is real

   Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.

   Voted. Now, I watch and wait to see which loser wins.

   You know when you say "that thinga-ma-bob"? Does Bob say "that-thinga-ma-me" and when I'm talking to Bob should I say "that-things-ma-you"? In a proper setting is it "that-thinga-ma-Robert"? If 2 guys named Bob are together, do they say "that-thinga-ma-u

   "Scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages." They’re calling it “Religion.”

   thinking bush doubled out debt it 8 years......obama will double that in 2! good job america!!

   Religion is a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers.

   I set my phone to airplane mode. It just now tried to charge me 20 bucks for a bag of peanuts and a Sprite.