Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I must be the only person that didn't like Avatar. I fell asleep an hour into it. I mean seriously, if I wanted to see a love story I would have rented "The Notebook" then promptly shot myself in the face.

   TOYOTA, ONCE YOU DRIVE ONE YOU'LL NEVER STOP

   This is my facebook. This is my gun. This is for posting this is for fun

   Dear At&t, can you please stopping dropping my phone calls. I know the iPhone is a great money maker for you, but you guys don't enough bandwidth to service your FLIPPIN handheld media devices plus my FLIPPIN PHONE CALLS... mmmmkkkay thanks

   o═════<()¸„ø¤º°¨¨°º¤øº♪ ♫ ♪. 90 min of this annoying crap.

   All I have ever wanted is to be left alone......................in South America...............with a tribe of sex-starved Amazon women

   busy re-wrapping extra strength chocolate ex-lax in Hershey miniature wrappers for the Trick or Treat-ers this week end.

   You can tell the Pope is a typical Man... He decided to break up a relationship with God just before Valentines Day, just so that he doesn't have to give a gift!!!

   I'm tired of Duck Dynasty and their fowl language!

   My left nipple is 3 minutes slower than my right at hardening.

   The sign at this Burger King bathroom says employees must wash hands. I've been waiting for them to come wash my hands for an hour. Nothing.

   Married people have 6 priorities: 1) Convince yourself you're happy. 2) Convince spouse you're happy. 3) Convince friends you're happy. 4) Convince workmates you’re happy 5) Convince relatives you’re happy 6) Convince neighbors you’re happy

   Electrolux - Teaching women their place for over 50 years

   I bought an anti bullying wrist band today...I say bought I actually stole it of a fat ginger kid

   Did anyone else see Gary Busey get married this morning?

   My neighbor must have not paid her internet bill. I can't get on the internet.

   Just saw a holstein on a church lawn....holy cow!

   When the angels ask what I loved most about life, I'll say you.

   I hate when I sleep on my arm by accident, and waking up in the middle of the night not being able to feel it

   Lawyer to Mickey: Sorry Mickey I can't divorce you from Minnie because she has big teeth.......Mickey to Lawyer: Sir, That's not what I meant when I said she was f*cking Goofy!!