Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I gave my deaf friend an I-Pod for X-mas hoping he would re-gift it back to me.

   I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

   Anyone else love it when they text too fast that their phone can not keep up and when you are finished it looks like it is doing it by itself?! Or is it just me?

   having a staring contest with a bottle of Jack.

   MAN! Are they EVER going to catch that Phil Dirt guy? I've been seeing wanted signs for him for YEARS.

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

   that awkward moment when two peodos both pretending to be kids arrange a meeting over facebook and then meet up

   just rescued some wine.. it was trapped in a bottle. I saved the day!

   Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don't block the view.

   My pillow is about to get some head......NAPTIME!!! ;)

   No one knows the true meaning of desperation until you run over a banana peel in Mario Kart

   That moment of panic when you accidentally hurt someone else's child and the parents are in the next room

   Got "White Boy Wasted" last night..  it's only right I go see The Hangover Part II today..  :)

   i love the people who say their company is priceless!!.. to me if it lacks a price, it more likely worthless!!

   •I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.

   •Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   The funny thing about life is, it can change your worst problem into the funniest joke. It just needs time.

   If the world's a stage, maybe some of us should get off.

   That moment of panic when you clog someone else's toilet and you realize that don't have a plunger in the bathroom!!